May 2010

Hello!
Sorry!
Cake!

Hello, my dear amigos and multiple apologies for the long, long hiatus. I haven’t been at all well, but in the last few weeks I seem to be – mercifully – on the way back to something resembling myself. I’ve been wary about trusting this improvement because in January I rallied for about a week, only to be plunged back into the horrors.
I don’t exactly know what to say because I still don’t really know what happened to me. The medical profession call it ‘a major depressive episode’ but I’ve been knocked sideways by a multitude of feelings, not just depression but agitation, anxiety, terror, panic, grief, desperation, despair and an almost irresistible desire to be dead and it’s gone on for a very long time. Every day for six solid months I’ve had to try really hard to stay alive. I’ve literally got through each day hour by hour, trying to hang on until the sun set and it was time to close the shutters on the windows and then I’d feel, Okay I’ve survived another day. It was such a horrible winter and it felt like it went on forever, but when the clocks went forward I felt even worse because then there was an extra hour of daylight to last through.
I know I’ll be criticised for saying all this, I know it sounds horribly selfish, when life is such a precious gift and many people desperately want to be alive and are denied it, but honestly, I’ve had no control over it.
Wave after wave of black agony has been rolling up from my gut and bursting in my head and I’ve been powerless to stop it. I’ve heard people describe depression as feeling like they’re living behind glass, of being numb and unable to experience anything, but for me, it has been totally different. It has been like being poisoned, it’s felt like my brain is squirting out terrible, black, toxic chemicals that poison any good thoughts. I’m well aware that I have an enviable life and there are bound to be people who think, “What the hell has she got to be depressed about?” But whatever has been wrong with me isn’t fixable by an attitude shift. Believe me I’ve tried (Mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, gratitude lists…)
Another thing about depression is that you’re supposed to be catatonic, but it hasn’t been that way for me, it’s been the opposite. I’ve been waking way too early, arriving into the day with a terrible jolt and shaking with anxiety. I’ve been so agitated and so desperate to escape how I feel and how I’m thinking that I’ve had very few days when I’ve been unable to get out of bed. Like I say, it’s been the total opposite, I CAN’T stay in bed, it’s far too frightening and instead I’ve been running around like a hamster on a wheel, wildly looking for distraction.
But despite the constant activity, I don’t accomplish anything meaningful at all. The last eight months have been very very unproductive. I haven’t been able to talk to people, at times I’ve quite literally gone mute and I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything. Reading has been impossible because by the time I got to the end of a sentence I’d have forgotten the start. All I’ve been able to do is watch stuff – I don’t know what I’d have done without Come Dine With Me – do you love it? Isn’t it fantastic? And Glee. Also the box sets of True Blood and 30 Rock.

Then around February I suddenly started baking like a complete maniac. It’s Cake 6 something I haven’t done since I was 12, but now I want to do it ALL THE TIME. At times it’s like a compulsion and it transpires that I’m quite good at it. For a while I ate everything I baked Marian making a cake and that was okay for a little bit because I’d lost tons of weight on account of my stomach having shrunk to the size of a walnut and the thought of food making me feel like I was going to puke. But now I’ve richocheted in the opposite direction and I’m the size of a house again, business as usual. It’s such a bummer (pun! Entirely inadvertent! Maybe I haven’t lost it!) because I was proper skinny for a while and too aghast and afraid to be able to appreciate it. Now I’ve taken to making the Cake 1 Cake 2 cakes for others and trying not to eat them Cake 3 Cake 4 Cake 7 myself. Cake 8 Cake 5 Himself has taken photos of most of the cakes and I’ve included some of the pictures here.

The worst thing is that I’m still not able to write. I really miss it but once again, I’m powerless. I just have to wait it out. Actually I’ve just realised that this newsletter is the first thing I’ve written in nearly 8 months. Maybe in a while my brain will stop being full of broken glass and buzzing and I’d be able to manage a column. Although I feel I have so few areas of expertise at the moment, my life has become so small. Perhaps some kindly editor would give me a gig writing about cake. Or suicidal ideation. Or make-up. Oh God be with the days when I had a make-up column! Happy happy times! Oscar
Marian and Oscar Things haven’t been all bad though, some lovely things have happened. Just 2 weeks ago my littlest sister Rita-Anne had her second baby, the beautiful Oscar. And Dylan, her other baby will be two next week and his party is on Saturday and I’m in charge of the cake. And tomorrow my beloved friend AnneMarie is coming with her son lovely Jack (3) to stay for a week. Also in January I traded my car in for a Fiat 500. But not just ANY Fiat 500. No! This is Dylan a very special Fiat 500 because it’s PINK. Yes! PINK! It’s been so weird driving it because I’m in it and I’m feeling so wretched and I’m passing smiling people and I’m wondering, But why are they smiling? And then I realise that it’s because of the pink car!

So that’s all the news my amigos. Perhaps one day we’ll laugh about all of this. I suppose some of it might seem funny once enough time has passed. Like, there was one day – one of the few days actually – when I stayed in bed all day but because I couldn’t be alone with my head, I had to have Sky News, hour after hour. (I swear to God, I’d be lost without Sky News, I don’t know what it is about it, I think I find comfort in the constant repetition) and I was hearing the same stuff every 15 minutes. About how in Denmark some Somali Muslim man had broken into the home of a cartoonist who’d done an offensive cartoon of Allah and how the Somali man had tried to kill the cartoonist. And I’d been agonising all day, wondering how I could kill myself and manage to convince Himself that it was for the best. (Because no matter how often I begged poor Himself to let me die, he wasn’t having any of it.) And suddenly, on the umpteenth go-round of the Somali man news I thought, That’s it! Why don’t I just offend Allah! I’m not too good at drawing but why don’t I just write something! I’ll do it on my website! I’ll be fatwahed before the day is out! I’ll make sure to include my address and directions on how to get here! And then I can be dead and not feel guilty!
But then when I came to it, my brain couldn’t cooperate and I literally couldn’t think of a good enough insult, so the whole project sort of foundered…
But anyway…
Finally and most importantly, I want to thank you from the bottom of my battered heart for the stunning response to what I wrote in January. Your response was absolutely overwhelming and astonishingly loving and so, so, so kind and really, if love alone could have cured me, I’d be skipping around the place, in the whole of my mental health. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It kept me going when very little else was working.
Thank you also for the hundreds of very practical suggestions you offered and here are some of the things I’ve tried over the past months, some of them your ideas and some my own.
Acupuncture
Anti-depressants (Now on my 5th different type.)
Baking
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Cranio-Sacral therapy
Crying until I burst blood vessels in my eye
Doing a daily act of kindness (thinking of the needs of others was meant to stop me thinking about myself, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t.)
Driving people places in a pink car (I so wanted to be useful and helpful but could offer so little.)
Fish Oils
Giving blood
Grazia (the only thing I could read, a lifeline.)
Hill-walking in Wicklow with close friends (Kate brings the sandwiches, I bring the cake, Hilly brings the little bags of snacks, Himself plans the route, Malcolm takes the photos and Mark provides scintillating conversation about recently-released movies.)
Hill walking 1 Hill walking 2 Hill walking 3

Homeopathy
Knitting (thought I’d knit bootees for Rita-Anne’s new baby but was in way over my head with circular needles and other complications, so in the end knitted several pointless little scarfs for non-existent kittens.)
Mindfulness and meditation (couldn’t hack it, couldn’t stay in my own head.)
Praying (I’ve even started going to the monthly Padre Pio mass in Monkstown with my mother and my sis-in-law Susie D. I’ve always described myself as a COL-lapsed Catholic and look at me now, it just shows what desperation does to people. My handbag is now full of miraculous medals, Padre Pio relics, green scapulars, mass cards and small bottles of holy water. Also crystals, little angels, affirmations, Buddhist prayers, shiny little stones and countless other pieces of new-agey stuff.)
Psychotherapy. (An utter godsend, I have a really great therapist who I trust completely.)
Reiki
Tom Dunne on Newstalk (Did anyone hear him talking about the Eurovision? Oh my God, so funny.)
Vitamins B, C and D
Yoga (again couldn’t hack it, couldn’t stay with my own poisoned thoughts.)

There’s probably tons more stuff, if I think of any I’ll let you know. So I’ll stay in touch my amigos. Hopefully this onward progress will continue and at some stage I’ll be back to my old self.
I hope you’re all well and if you’re not – and some of you may not be, one of the things I’ve learnt is that this sort of headspace is far more widespread than is openly acknowledged, so many of us are hanging on, almost overwhelmed with desperation and feeling like it’s our fault, that what’s wrong with us is just self-pity or negative thinking or innate defectiveness when in fact it’s a terrible illness. (It’s how I feel. I’m so aware of our dreadful economic hardships and how they’re impacting on all of us and the fact that I’ve a roof over my head and a pink car make me feel like I’ve no right to feel anything less than blessed. And yet.)
So if you’re in a very dark place, my TOTAL and empathetic commiserations to you. Truly. I beg of you to just hang on. Watch Come Dine With Me, eat cake, play with babies, go to the doctor, talk to your friends, eat more cake, ask VERY LITTLE OF YOURSELF. Just get through the next hour. There were times when it was reduced to that for me. I’d think, I’ll watch an episode of Come Dine With Me and when I’m on the far side of it, I’ll be half-an-hour further along.
Thank you again for all the love. I love you too
Marian

Comments

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So good to think you are feeling better. Have been though similiar experiences and your books have helped me so much. I can always manage to laugh when reading them. Personally, I did find thinking about mindfulness helpful, just got some distance from things. Hope to hear from you soon as you are mised. Kind wishes

Posted by shifty on 17/08/2010

Hi Marian, I'm so sorry to hear what your going through. It sounds terrible. I've just finished " The Brightest Star In The Sky ".....my god Marian, you sure can write! I was blown away with it. I've also read " Anybody Out There " and I thought it would be impossible to beat it's high standards. But, you did it. " The Brightest Star In The Sky " is officially my favourite book. I'm thinking about getting every single one of your books...I'd probably become a recluse reading them all. Take care and I really hope you get better soon.

Brogan x

Posted by Brogan on 16/08/2010

Hi Marian...a privilege to talk to you....I have been touched by your books for years and even read Under the Duvet and found it wildly diverting. I have recently been going through bad times myself and have woken up in panic, lost weight etc...It's good to know we're not alone in this.... I think back to when I was in my 20's and I was fearless....Not so now....The other night I took The Brightest Star in the Sky out of my bookcase for another read....Spent yesterday lying in the sun and escaping to wherever it is your books take me....Mammy Walsh is a big favourite with me, by the way....I also love the total lack of pretentiousness in your books - I am Australian but have Irish heritage (my grandmother was a Kinsella) and some of the sayings you come out with take me back to my mum, who now has Alzheimers and is for all intents and purposes lost to me....Thank you for all your books .... As I said, they really do take me to a happy place and make me laugh out loud! Just one more thing - the way you wrote about Lydia's mother's dementia - Just amazing how close to reality it all was about actually getting a diagnosis and all the denial that goes on.....

Posted by Zacheus on 16/08/2010

Dearest Marian,

I've been going through a somewhat similar episode, getting through each hour, looking forward to the time when I can crawl into bed and escape with your latest book. It's the highlight of my day.

I hope you emerge quickly from this dark tunnel, and shake off the tentacles of this insidious monster.

Until then, please know there are people who wish you only the best, and who are grateful you've shared a part of your lovely self with them.

Posted by olirom on 14/08/2010

Hi Marian, i hope you are feeling better. In my very creative mind you are the picture of health and spending your summer holidays in a nice spa, having massarges and facials and other equally lovely things done to you! i just wanted to tell you that you have inspired me so much with your amaizing books that i am attempting to write a novel myself. It's rubbish, i have nothing even remotely close to your talent, but it's fun to do and when i've had an awful day, and would quite like to crawl in to my bed and never surface again,i don't swallow those highly tempting tablets. i write in my book [ i can't afford a lap top just yet so i'm writing it old style at the moment! ] and i feel much better and perhaps i might last another day after all. thank you for everything you have done for me though you don't realise it you have done an awful lot for this random stranger. hope this makes you see what a fantastic role model you are and raises your spirits slightly. lots of love and gratitude jodie xxx

Posted by jodie on 13/08/2010

Hello Marian..what an emotional read. Forgive me for being so 'assuming' but i never thought blogging about depression could be so emotive and tap into my senses as that did. Your baking looks amazing. Your books are amazing. I never thought i would read a 'marian keyes' (the genre is not normally my favourite) but a uni pal had 'the other side of the story' so while she curled my hair i picked it up for a quick glance. It stayed in my room for a year, i then picked it up again and commenced from where i left off (chapter 2). Then naturally had to go to Waterstones and buy all of your books at once!
Anyway, thoughts are with you. Much love xx

Posted by Shanie_uk on 11/08/2010

God bless you and keep you dearheart. I suffer from depression to, it's a horrible disease, although mine is kept under control by medication. I have loved your books since I was 15 (now 29) and have introduced them to so many of my friends who love them too! Remember that no matter how much you think the world would be better off without you himself and your family would be devestated without you. And I do the baking thing too! Though mine don't look as nice... I love peanut paste chocchip biccies. I'm thinking and praying for you (don't care if you're collapsed) and sending you so much love. Can't wait to read some more from you when you're feeling stronger.

Posted by JosieY on 11/08/2010

People say Life is for Living and we should try to make the best of every day but when you are depressed these type of thoughts don't mean anything. The way through is the way you will find it through your self. Wishing you all the best of luck, you are on the road to recovery and writting ...... you wrote your newsletter. Small steps, step at a time, before you know it you will be at the top of the stairs! Good luck your books are brilliant we need more.

Posted by suejo on 10/08/2010

Hi Marian, hope you are feeling better. I've heard that growing plants can help also-especially low maintenance ones. they can be a lovely addition to ones home also.

Posted by savah on 09/08/2010

Delighted to hear you are starting to feel better! :)
Your writing is so honest, you are an inspiration to us all. Look after yourself x

Posted by Coral on 08/08/2010

Dear Marian, I am one of those people you refer to in your newsletter, somebody about to lose everything I ever worked for because of the current financial and economic climate. However, I am also the sister of a man who has suffered with terrible mental illness for over 25 years and a few weeks ago I was standing over his bed in the hospital intensive care unit after he had attempted suicide and so I know that his and your pain are a world away from my own troubled times. The doctors saved my brother's life and he has another chance to keep on fighting his life long battle. I wish you both strength and hope and happier days. God bless. Susie

Posted by susieR on 04/08/2010

I am a huge fan of your books and also suffer from depression. I just wanted to let you know how amazing I think it is that you speak so freely about your depression. So many of us do struggle with it and yet it's still so socially unacceptable. Thank you for being honest, upfront, and so very brave. It inspires us to be brave,too.

Posted by Kimily on 01/08/2010

Marvelous Marian! Like the 1st person on this comment string, I Googled your name just now to see if you might be coming to Toronto or Montreal on speaking tour any time soon. I've just read this blog entry and am very moved by it. You are so honest and have so much to teach the world! I am going to send this blog entry and a link to your site to all my friends who have been reading your books along with me and also to my friends and family who suffer from Depression. I'm at a loss as to what to say and "get well soon" doesn't seem like enough somehow... Maybe I can boost you up a bit with a little "fan mail" comment (which is probably identical to a billion others you've read over the years, but, well, I guess I'm not terribly original and that's why I'm not a fantastic writer like you!). Here goes :

I'm in my mid-(ack!)30s and discovered your books about 2 years ago. Since then, I've have been reading them the way one eats a really amazing box of chocolates: wanting to eat it all up at once and also trying to slow down a bit to make the yumminess last as long as possible! I only have 2.5 books left until I'll be sitting around wondering what to read next! Thanks SO MUCH for your work! Your books are such HUGE contributions to the world on so many levels and, well, in case love could cure you, here's a whole pile more from me to you!

Love,

Simone :0)

Posted by Dida Simone on 30/07/2010

Dear Marian!

Just some words to add myself to the VERY long list of supporters and fans. Although I only know too well what optimistic remarks and well-meaning pats on the back can feel like when you’re truly depressed (that is: water on goose), I also know that once you start to see a small flicker of light in the distance, this supporting behaviour (such as this huge amount of letters from your fans) starts to seep in. Then it’s vital to open your mind fully to it and NEVER, EVER second guess what these people tell you. Of course, it’s not possible for you, in your hectic and busy life, to read through all your fan mail every day. But, I would suggest that you (if you’re on the mend, but still feeling a bit fragile) at least scroll through it every day to just get the impression of this massive bunch of supporting and caring words. They have been written from all over the world, just because people truly care about you and because they understand.

Many of us have even been in a very similar stat of mind; one day wanting to top yourself or crying your heart out because you’ve seen this element in the News about some poor 93-year-old man crying out of loneliness, because some stupid government doesn’t “want to” afford to let him stay with his wife for 70 years in a nursing home and he is so, so, so lonely, and you feel that what the fe.. are you whining about when somebody else is in a worse state? The next day, you start crying because you love your family so, so much and why are you worrying them by being depressed? Why can’t you just stop? And that again, only enhance your feeling of contempt and self loathing, because you’re not able to do anything about it. Downward the spiral goes. Being a worried, perfectionist and sensitive Virgo (Yes! Born on the 2nd of September!) can be quite a challenge for one’s mental health, but it’s worth putting on a different pair of glasses ever so often and see these “challenges” in a new light.

When you have such a wide spectrum of feelings, it also allows you to feel positive emotions in a stronger manner than people who experience life and feelings in a more distanced and even way. They will never be able to truly understand excitement over true love, the overwhelming happiness and tenderness you feel when you look at your own child or a child in your near family (I don’t have any kids myself (yet), but absolutely adore my twin nephews of 7. Would do anything for them.), and they will never quite get the same buzz when leaving for a brand new holiday destination. Of course, they will never get into a state of complete and mind numbing depression either, but I still think WE got the longer straw. At least I can say that now when I find myself in a relatively even and rational state of mind. Talk to me tomorrow, and maybe you’ll find me in my familiar, dark hole where no light gets in;-) No, you won’t actually. Not anymore. Had it been two years ago when I still worked as a bloody dentist (No offense to other dentists, but thank God! that I don’t do that anymore!), and I still hadn’t found the “Man of my dreams”, it could well have been like that, though.

I wouldn’t dream of saying that I know exactly what you’re going (or, hopefully, have gone) through, but I believe I can relate to a lot. Having suffered from depression on and off since I was around 10, having seen several therapists and also having taken antidepressants for several years (done with those now.), I think I can at least join the chorus of understanding fans. The “man of my dream”who have a fantastic gift of putting things into perspective, always stresses the importance of accepting myself the way I am, with “faults” and everything, and I now believe that it’s the best way to come to piece with myself. Maybe something to think about? Of course, it’s easier said than done, but our own, depressive, selfdestructive recipe for life hasn’t really paid off, has it? Perhaps it’s time to try something new? It’s because of your hard earned emotional experiences and sensitive personality as well as your fantastic talent with words and humour, that you’re able to write all these lifechanging books, not despite of it.

Thank you, Marian, for all your wonderful books, for sharing these troubled times with all of us and for just being you. You’re perfect the way you are.

Lots of love,
Christine (Norway)

Posted by chri-en on 29/07/2010

I feel like a goldfish, staring at the computer screen with my mouth gobbing open and shut periodically. I had just finished re-reading every book I owned, watching re-runs of every tv show I ever loved, and watching any useless thing I could on youtube in order to get my mind off the crushing black panic, the poisonous cloud creeping outwards in my psyche, and thought, "God, if only Marian Keyes had another book coming out - I could laugh myself sick and feel better."

The strange thing is, despite the fact that there's no book, I do feel a little better. I always felt if I could approach life with a tenth of the humour in your books, I would do better. When I read this - "so many of us are hanging on, almost overwhelmed with desperation and feeling like it’s our fault, that what’s wrong with us is just self-pity or negative thinking or innate defectiveness when in fact it’s a terrible illness" - it suddenly felt a little less isolated out here on this limb (clinging desperately to sanity, lol).

Thank you for taking the time to share, for having the courage, and for being empathetic at such a time. I hope that, at least sometimes, you feel like you are not alone in this, too.

Posted by jcrombie on 27/07/2010

Hey Marian

Mahoosive congratulations on getting through such a horrendous time. I too have been through a hideous experience like you and thought that it would never end.

Like many others here I have thought of you many times and have checked back on your website every so often to see if there was a new post saying you were on the mend - and now you are - yay!!

I have loved every single one of your books and eagerly await the many more that you undoubtably write in the future when you feel up to it.

Big love and hugs to you.

Ceri
xxxx

Posted by Ceri123 on 24/07/2010

Hi Marian,
I have just picked up 'Watermelon' to read for about the tenth time and thought I would find your website and see if you had any other books lined up. I am really sorry to read that you have been feeling poorly.

I think it takes real bravery and courage for you to write what you have been going through on your website. I know people must be reading the newsletter and wondering how someone who seems to have the most amazing sense of humour could possibly feel depressed. I have a friend who is one of the funniest, most put together people I know and she suffered with depression and really severe paranoia for about a year. It can happen to anyone. She got better and is now back to being her usual wonderful self which shows that it can be beaten.
I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and I know how scary those are so I can't even imagine how you must have felt every day, it must be very difficult.

You are an amzing writer, my favourite by far. I always pick up one of your books when Im feeling down and although I have read all of them several times they still make me laugh and you are the author I reccommend to all my friends!

Have you tried a holiday somewhere hot? Worked a treat for me a few weeks ago ;)

Take care
Leigh x

Posted by Leigh on 22/07/2010

ah, I was about to forget... the cakes are splendid!!! :) clelia

Posted by Venturelli on 21/07/2010

Dear, dear Marian, I write form Italy, I live in Modena, that is near Maranello... have you ever thought of a pink Ferrari car??? :) I once saw a truck LOADED with PINK FIAT 500s and I cried out: who's going to buy one, EVER??!?!!? see? sometimes you just have the answers to your strangest questions unexpectedly... So now I think of you, driving that car of yours around Dublin, and it makes me smiling. :) I had problems with my email and I saw your newsletter right now! You can't imagine how many times I thought about you, wondering how were you going, and praying you would be better... anyway, sometimes I feel my life is blessed, and I mustn't feel bad for anything, since many people don't have what I have... so I understand the way you feel, but please, please, try to accept what you have and what you are... you are not guilty of anything, of your feelings and your depression... and i also think you've always done very well, because you tried to cope with the shades in your life with your writing... uhm, this topic is getting way too difficult to be dealt with in english, so I'll stop! :) ...I don't understand what I'm writing myself... hope to hear from you soon, lots of love and kisses. You are a beautiful person, and not a superhero, so don'expect too much from yourself (if it was easy...) Love, love, love, Clelia

Posted by Venturelli on 21/07/2010

I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better. Don't push yourself too hard; I've suffered from depression myself and sometimes you just have to remind yourself how far you have come. I was thinking of you too. All the best.

Posted by Butterflywings on 21/07/2010

Marion, you have been such an inspiration to me over the years. I have read all of your books- shared them with my Mum, sisters and friends. My favorite saying is that "we would be best friends if you knew me". I cried my heart out when I read your lastest blog- and I really hope you get through this terrible time. I know there is no cure or quick fix for depression, and if love could fix it, well you would be healled 10 times over, as surely you know you are loved by so many. Thank you for giving some much of your self to so many people. Dont be too hard on your self - you are the most important person in your world! Take care and remeber to smile!

Posted by Tania on 21/07/2010

Hi Marian!
Lots of love and memories of Spain!
Your smile and be happy because we are here in this world to enjoy. And life has beautiful things.
A faithful follower of yours! Many kisses beautiful!
Tony "Himself" a greeting

Posted by Quarvaltell on 20/07/2010

Marian,
I am really glad to know that you are getting better. I read already 3 of your books, yes, soo less, but I can tell that I am completely in love :)
The way that you write...I simply jump inside your books and live the stories with the characters. Something funny was happening to me. I discovery that I get a little desperate when I am finishing one of your books and I have not a next one to read. One day I was at the train station in Innsbruck where I work, waiting for a train and reading the last pages of Sushi for Beginners, when I got a little crazy and almosty missing my train I got inside a book store to look for a new book. Then I bought This Charming Man. By the way, I finished it right now, some hour ago, also inside a train, driving to my work.
I came from Brazil and I live in Germany with my husband. He is german and I left all behind in Brazil to live with him here. Not that I had I bad life in Brazil and used this man to change and get better opportunities as lots of girls does. Nothing against those girls, but I am just not like that. I love him and I just thought that everything could be fine when we have love. But at the end was not so easy. I have a good life with him, I have my career as scientist goin on here in Innsbruck - Autria (I live at the border between Germany and Austria) but I miss my family in Brazil a lot. I miss my friends there. Such interesting people that I left behind. such interesting people that I find in your books. Like Lola from This Charming Man. Crazy, stilist...I loved her style. When you describe your depression at this las newsletter from May, I recognize me a little. I have no depression, but I know that I am a good candidate for. I try lots of things like pilates, sports and positive thoughts but I know that sometimes is difficult. But not impossible. This life is really wonderful and we should really not think to give up. Never!!!
We all readers love you Marian, and we need to have your delightfull books in our lifes. Please, it is not a pushing, I know that everyone needs time for everything!!!
I just wnat to tell that you are great and such important writer. Keep going. I loved your cakes. Its a pit that I am not your neighbour to ask for a peace :-P , they look really good!!!
So, let me go back to my work now. I must to take a deep breath, forget all pain and talk about bacteria and orthopedie (that what I am working with)!!!
Have a wonderful time and tahnks a lot for the pleasant time with your books.
All the best
Débora
P.S.: My next Marian Keyes adventure will be Watermelon. I am already thirsty for it!!!!!

Posted by deborahuber on 20/07/2010

Marian, I feel so horrible just having read your January piece and not writing sooner...Also, I just read your May piece and I cant tell you how nice it is to hear you smiling in your writing (or atleast trying to through it all). It's nice to hear your feeling somewhat better and I gotta tell you it trully brought tears lots of them to see those beautiful pictures that hubby took of your baking, that was really very sweet...he loves you so much...I cant bake worth poop! everything ends up floppy and just not very attractive ha! Anyway, the picture of you holding the baby made me cry and the pictures of you and friends enjoying a good walk- what beautiful life photo's, really memorable.
I just really wanted to share with you how gorgeous your books are and how I have them all and how they take me places when I read them, you have a wonderful gift and are here for a reason, more that one I'm sure, not only have you helped millions with your books but sharing and being open about your depression...it all leave's a mark on people, your a good egg..=) Please dont ever forget it..in the darkest days always remember that.
You only have to read your column to see that even when you are struggling your still too kind to only focus on your self and being able to purge your thoughts and feelings -you mention that you know people are going through this and that and you should be so lucky...you dont have to write any of that Marian...it is what it is...your a very sensitive, gentle, kind and considerate person...I wish I could help, I really do. Do what you need to, for how ever long it takes...its no ones bussines but your own, no one you need to answear to...maybe its all part of the journey were meant to take.

Take the very best care of yourself, sending you my wishes, squeezes and kisses!
Inga-

Posted by Niunia on 19/07/2010

Hello Marian,

Was just thinking about you, wondering how you're feeling. I'm sending all my very best cozy, happy, snuggle thoughts your way.

xo
Emily

Posted by emily14 on 19/07/2010

Marian, I don't have any words of wisdom for you; but I can say that I know how you feel. It's hard to quantify it into words, but I know what you're going through. I've suffered from depression on and off throughout my adult life. I too go through periods where the thought of speaking to another is too much to take. I'm really glad that Himself has been so patient and supportive for you. He sounds like a really wonderful man. Please just know that you are an absolute gem of a person. I know that we don't know each other, but I've loved your humor and writings ever since I picked up my first Marian Keyes book (Rachel's Holiday) over ten years ago. Please stick around awhile. The world is a nicer place with you in it. You bring joy to a lot of people, and Himself and your family and friends need you.

Posted by stephanie on 19/07/2010

I strongly believe that what is happening right here is a major "response" to depression. Both Marian's writing and the many responses to her piece show that globally we are not prepared to continue to hide depression away, we are not prepared to accept valium and stay quiet. I have experienced depression since I was about 8 (I'm 43 now) and haver had some completely bleak black times, and some blissful sunny ones, but mostly I soldier through a degree of brownness. I have 3 darling children, who bring much pleasure, but also episodes of postnatal depression on top of my usual levels. There are days when I feel less good as a mother when I just can't be available for them in any way. Thier Dadda too, suffers a deep depression - post traumatic stress, since my middle son was 6 months - he's now 6 years. Yet, we muddle along as a family. The kids know they are loved. They know that both their Mumma and Dadda are unwell. And they know when either (or both) parents are in despair, that they can come for a cuddle with a favorite story read to them. Sometimes it is the tiny things. Sometimes all I can do is sew name tags on their clothes, sometimes all I can make is spag bol, but they know they are loved. I know I am loved, and we all know that being open and honest about our illness is the best thing we can can do. And I applaud Marian for writing about her depression and also for writing fiction in which depressed people can and do experience joy. Bright blessings all!

Posted by mammaroberts on 18/07/2010

so glad to hear from you again, darling girl...you're in our prayers and thoughts as we re-read your books

Posted by caffeine-katie on 16/07/2010

Hi,
Just wanted to say thank-you. I've just finished reading 'Brightest Star' following the birth of my son and you made me cry! I've been struggling to bond with him, but after reading it I had to go and give him a cuddle - I now feel much closer to him. Good luck with your battle, you mean so much to so many. I also like the look of your cakes! Rachel xx

Posted by Redstararnie on 14/07/2010

Hi Marian, I'm so glad you are starting to feel better. I think about you a lot and wonder how you are going, I have read and reread your books so many times and was googling you when I found this and saw you had depression, I was suprised as your books are totally hilarious and uplifting (even when the topic is sad).

I'm glad your winter is over and hopefully the sunshine is making you feel a little better, winter is never good when you are down.

Remain strong and as everything does this will pass.

By the way the cakes look great!

Posted by Lauren on 14/07/2010

Oh your newsletter makes me think you are back! When I am in this type of thing I wonder how it could ever be different, and then slowly I come creeping back into life and I am mystified as to how it could have been so bad. And I think mine is just nothing compared to your heartache. I hope, given you wrote your update a month or so ago now, you've creeped right back in to life too. My thoughts and love are with you.

Mmm, I tried that mindfulness thing too. I'm not sure I quite got it...

Know that you are loved, I feel as if you've been in my life since I read Lucy Sullivan 13 years ago.

Angela

Posted by Ange on 14/07/2010

You seem such a lovely person, I used to watch you on Strictly it takes 2 with Cludia and loved your humour, so I started to read your books and love them,please get really well soon.

Posted by sheila.p on 13/07/2010

Hi Marian
I came to you not through your books, but through my own God awful depression, I was Googlin depression and your newsletter came up. I'm not going to go on about me I just wanted to let you know of a book I'm reading is called "Beyond Blue by Therese Borchard" she was suicidal for 2 solid years! there is humor in it alos, I highly recommend it....and also a saying I read the other day that say " when you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" and "the only way out is through"
Thanks
Elliot

Posted by elliot on 13/07/2010

Hiya Marian..

Am so gald to see you're feeling better... It breaks my heart to hear of you like this, as your books have gotten me through some very tough times, and I just wish I could help you in some way!
Depression runs in my family.. and if there's one thing I have learned, is that you just have to keep telling yourself that this isnt your fault, its not who you are.. its an illness thats happening to you..and the fabulous, wonderful you is still there.. nothing could take that away from you, even though its hard to see that sometimes! Even your newsletter is proof that the Marian we all know and love is here, and your wonderful spirit shines through! This will not beat you!
You're an inspiration to millions.. never forget that you are loved and very soon you WILL be on the other side of this.

You're in my thoughts.. Lots of Love.. Karen
xxxxx

Posted by Kareng23 on 09/07/2010

Hi Marian. I am so sorry to hear that you've been having a bad time of it. I hope you are feeling better now that it is July & summer over there (in New Zealand we've just hit winter & I've just hit a slump). You are an amazing person, & I know your resilience will help you get through this. Your cakes look yummy! I bake a lot too, & it always helps me feel a bit better. I have always felt very drawn to you. My mother's name is Marian & our last name is Walsh - just like Anna et al.! I read Anybody Out There like it is a Bible. Your words have helped me process a million different emotions. I hope something out there gives you the strength your books have often given me!
Best wishes x

Posted by Heathersaurus on 07/07/2010

Look after yourself and know that there is much love being sent your way.
You are helping many by sharing your experience of this black time.
I have a theory, only the sane suffer from depression, its the mad ones that skip through modern life unaffected by it.

Posted by Cee on 07/07/2010

Very, very glad to see you 'back'. I've a friend who's going along a very similar path to you and some of the things I've tried to do to help her are on your list! So I hope that's what I have been, a helper. I'm a bit uneducated in the mental health field, so I just try to do what my friend needs, as and when she needs it. THANK YOU for being brave enough to share. And those cakes....My daughter has just seen the Chocolate love hearts and has demanded the very same for her 6th birthday! I live in hope of having the talent to make them! God Bless.

Posted by FionaAUS on 07/07/2010

Hi Marian
I love reading your books. They always bring a smile to my face. I hope a smile returns to your face soon. And that you can again write another master piece!!
Lots of Love
Nicole

Posted by Nicole_marie on 05/07/2010

Good look Marian on your road to recovery! I've been there (and sort of still am) myself and I know how dark life can seem. But just remember how much you are loved by countless people! You can persevere, just work towards each new day.

Posted by Buttersbee on 03/07/2010

Dear Marian, U have in a way benn my brightest star in the sky, when i feelt very blue and disliked my own world so mutch, i picked up 1 off your books and went in a good place for a few hours. Andu made me laugh and smile! Be strong and keep shining coz u r a star!!!

Posted by mimmi on 29/06/2010

Dear Marian, so pleased to hear things might be looking up for you at last, and can i just say your cakes look lovely! As a devoted fan of every single one of your books I have just finished reading this charming man for the second time and was laughing out loud from the very first page. Lola has got to be your funniest character of all time, will you perhaps consider writing a book solely on her?! I guarantee it would be a big hit. I wish you and himself all the best, and hope to hear from you soon!

Posted by hattie12 on 25/06/2010

Hi Marian,
I am so glad to hear from you again. Sorry you are feeling crappy. Depression sucks! I have struggled on and off with depression of the sort you describe for YEARS. I would always curse the fact that I didn't have the sleepy depression where you were compelled to stay in bed and sleep all the time. Instead, I had terrible insomnia, racing thoughts, anxiety, shaking-- the works! Uggghhh!
I've been on Zoloft (sertraline) for the past couple of years and this has worked very well for me. I hate to tell you this, because I think you feel the same way that I do about exercise, but it really, really works. I hate to exercise, but taking my daily walks with my dog has really made a difference in my mental health. Not sure if you attend meetings, but I've also found these to be a good source of positive energy and support. Be well and know that there are many of us (from all over the world!) cheering you on. Your writings have touched me deeply. I was just reading "The Pissed..." from Under the Duvet the other day, and it really helped me pull through a rough patch. I hope my few words here can provide you with the same sense of hope that you've given me for so many years!
*hugs* - Robin

Posted by rlindemann on 24/06/2010

Hello Marian,
When I get depressed and the cloud refuses to yield I read your books because I know no matter what it will bring a smile to my face. your books are the one solace I have as the understanding I seek for my state of feelings is right there and now I know why.
I am sure you must have been bombarded with well intentioned and well meant suggestions on how to cope with your dark feelings. I could, as a Psychologist offer you hundreds of ways but you already know them. All I know is that the feeling just doesn't go away because you want it to. Although compelled by habit, one suggestion, I dont see why you have to feel guilty about your depression. You have as much right to it as anybody else; despite or rather inspite of your success, friends, etc.
I hope and pray you feel better soon and well enough to write.

Posted by Kritika on 24/06/2010

Take care Marian.

Posted by Msjoey on 23/06/2010

Hi Marian,
I adore your writing and reading your books always brings a smile to my face. I have many happy hours reading, often distracting me when I am having a down day. I hope that soon the smile returns to your face, as you have bought a smile to so many others.
Love Nicole

Posted by Nicole_marie on 23/06/2010

so nice to hear your voice again.
I hope you continue to be gentle with yourself and take baby steps and take all the time you need to recover.
I'm into mini cupcakes right now - since my sister bought my daughter a little display stand - makes them look so fantastic - like afternoon tea at grans.
Much love
Carolx

Posted by carolm on 23/06/2010

OMG thank you for sharing! You're a tortured genius! Thank you for the writing! And let me say thank you again for sharing. As a high profile person you can help so many. Kia kaha sister, be strong.

Posted by katiedep on 23/06/2010

Olá, Marian!
I'm from Brazil, and I just wanted to let you know not that you are a great writer (you already know that) but that you helped me so much with Rachel Holidays. I've been depressed because of an abusive relationship and now I'm "clean"! :)
I wish I could retribute 1% back.
Anyways, don't think you have to be ok. You don't "have to" anything! Just feel free to be yourself, to be Marian, in order to find out whats really going on inside yourself. You are a great human being just for being so sensitive and open.
Anyways, i'll ask you to check your thyreoyd. It was the one thing that got me off the antidepressants.
Part of my depression was organic, the thyreoyd, but the other part: the unknow, black part is still a mistery that I've learned to live with.
Plus, you have a PINK CAR! haha! Thats my dream! I'm a sucker for pink. haha
Marian, you are loved. Not only by your friends, but even in Brazil!!!
I apologize for my English and hope you got it from my heart!
Beijos!!! Stay well! Fique com Deus!

Mari

Posted by marianellaparis on 22/06/2010

Running or jogging after the first twenty minutes releases those "happy hormones" into the bloodstream & makes the brain feel happier right then & there...have been dabbling with this myself lately & it does work...I now a woman who runs 6km every other day & she reckons it is the only way to stay sane...try run a bit walk abit til you can keep going steady at the running....I love that you're hanging in there by your toenails...you are such an inspiration for all who suffer the horrors. Love from Canada ;-)

Posted by Mary Bernadette Southall Fitzgerald on 19/06/2010

Dear Marian,
I just wanted to write and say that after reading your update from May, I know how you feel. I always roar laughing whenever people usually say that, but in this instant it's true.

I was signed off work for four months with "severe depression." That was the medical term, and while I agreed that I was feeling so miserable, it didn't really seem to sum up what was wrong with me.
See, I was constantly anxious, crying over the slightest things and unable to sit still, always feeling like I should be doing something and then feeling outrageously guilty that all I'd achieved in four hours was putting on the kettle.
I was terrified of being alone, terrified of being stuck with the horrific things in my head, but whenever I had company I couldn't think of anything to say. In fact, sometimes, it was only hours after they'd left that I registered they'd been there at all.

So many people seemed to think, to be depressed, I had to be flat on my back with a pillow over my face, but whilst I certainly felt like giving up, like everyday was a battle that I didn't even care about winning, the worst part for me was the constant need to keep busy.
Usually, reading and writing took up huge parts of my time, but all I could manage to do was watch TV. I watched an entire series of Scrubs and I still couldn't tell you what happened in any of the episodes I sat through.
I know what it's like to count the minutes, desperate for the time when it was acceptable to go to sleep. Even before I closed my eyes I was dreading the morning, knowing I'd have to get up and live my life, feeling guilty that I didn't want to, terrified because I had to.
So, basically, reading what you wrote really hit home for me.
I'm only twenty, which was another reason people scoffed at my depression, but it is a hideous illness that, once it grabs you, is near impossible to shake off.
I heard so many people talking about me like I wasn't there, wondering why I'd any right to be depressed at such a young age, but I know now that people who haven't suffered from depression will never understand it.
I could say a thousand more things about how I felt, but the biggest lesson I've learned is never to dwell on it, and to think only about each day as you live it.
That it what I'm trying hard to do.

I think you're an inspiration. The first book of yours I ever read was Sushi for Beginners.
I've always loved books, more than films (but only slightly) and even more than biscuits.
I fell in love with it, and - after bashing my way into Waterstones and demanding to see their stock list - I have never looked back.
You are the reason that I am a writer, and I'm sure the inspiration behind a million and one others in the world.

I'm sure you must get letters like this every day, and I hope that you do. I hope you know how many people love you, and are wishing you well.
Rachel.

Posted by RaeFaerie on 19/06/2010

Dear Marian
I have a 3 legged cat in the kitchen who just peed on my table, my dog has caused me £££ at the vets,i just wrote a chq to the tax man and i have nothing in the bank BUT I know today will pass and soon it will become tomorrow, am glad you r coming around.....your cakes look smashing....I'd love one now with a cup of tea......let me go make one. keep safe
Peace & Hope

Posted by keire on 18/06/2010

Hi Marian,

I just wanted to say how brave I think you are. You have obviously been in absolute hell, yet you have not stopped trying new things in an effort to improve your state of mind. I have suffered from anxiety and depression on and off for the past 6 years and I know how hard it can be to get motivated just to get out of bed, let alone the variety of things you have been doing. And they all sound like such positive, pure and happy things that I want to do them even when I'm not depressed. Baking cakes, driving pink cars and playing with babies sounds like what every day should be like if you can do it (Im definately gonna try the baking thing! But dont know any babies or pink cars to hang out with unfortunately!). My flatmate told me once when I was going through a serious wave of anxiety and didnt feel that I could do my job or anything at all, she told me that you have to try to 'fake it until you make it'. That actually helped me a lot, so when I felt that I wasnt really present in my body I managed to put on a smile and hold out an exterior that got me through and allowed my mind wander as and when it needed to until I got back on track.

I love you and your books so much. I have read them all and continuously re-read them because they make me feel safe and happy - like an old friend. Please hysng in there and please dont leave us bc you are so so so special and even when it doesnt feel like it, never forget that there are so many people that love you and have been touched by your writing. Also, there are so many people that understand what you are going through, so you are never alone.

Hang in there and be nice to yourself for all of us.
Lots of Love,
Anna. xxxooo

SP. My Mum and 2 sisters all adore your books, and we often identify with the Walsh family. We are all dying to know if you are planning to do a story told by 'Helen' (obviously when you are feeling better), is this in the pipeline? She is absolutely hilarious! xx

Posted by AB on 18/06/2010

I am sooo pleased you are starting to come out of this fug! I dicovered you when i was 8mths pregnant in 1998 when i devoured Watermelon and i am now the proud owner of your back catalogue, You have been in my thoughts and i am very happy for you that some sense of normality is coming back to you

Posted by Rio on 15/06/2010

Welcome back, Marian!
Besos,
Catalina

Posted by Catalina on 15/06/2010

Your a star x x x

Posted by hurnah1 on 14/06/2010

Ahhh Haaaaa - the cake rescue method. It works wonders for the head, tastes delicious; and if you make carrot you can convince yourself you are finally getting something good inside you as part of your five a day as well.
In seriousness though - writing this probably took it out of you; but look how much you wrote! You have come a long long way since January, it may not feel like it, but you have. Just do baby steps, and cut yourself a great deal of slack. Hang in there - and no matter what - you have this team of t'internet weirdos who are all rooting you on. (that's us by the way).
From all of these messages you can see love, empathy and just all of everyone's best wishes for you and himself.
So sit down in front of Come Dine With Me...have some cake and a cuppa and we will all be here when you are ready.
much love to you both
Mel xxxx

Posted by MrsElsieE on 14/06/2010

Hi Marian, I wanted to write a wee note to say hello.

I devour your books when they come out because no other author that I have ever read is able to capture people in the same way that you do.

Your writing makes me wet myself laughing one minute, then I'm balling crying the next. It is incredibly perceptive and you keep me on the absolute edge of my seat.

Besides writing female characters that are totlly 3 dimensional and recognizable, your male characters are second to none. I've never read a book where I've had an actual crush on a fictional character but when I read Rachel's Holiday I fell head over heels in lust/love with Luke and for him I would like to buy you several pints! I now have a thing for men in leather trousers; I never thought I'd see the day where I was attracted to a 'real man'!

I am half way through The Brightest Star in The Sky and am utterly hooked, not to mention intrigued! I could go on for hours about any one of your books. I wish I could have wrote my dissertation on one them - I'd have cleaned up!

I wanted to let you know how truly sorry I am to hear how awful you are feeling. If anyone does say 'what does she know about depression', it is testament to their sheer ignorance.

I think that you are fantastic and an absolute inspiration. The way that you have described how you are feeling in his blog will help people in similar cicumstances feel that they are not alone. I have had similar problems so I want to say thank you for being so open about it.

As you mentioned in your January blog, people can be really dismissive about depression so having someone describe it in such a candid, intellegent, astute, funny way really gives hope to people in a similar boat.

I really hope that you feel better soon. You have given me so much joy and sore bellies from laughing so hard. Also, your books have given me a huge lift when I've been in the horrors.

If anyone deserves happiness Marian, it's you. There's a hell of a lot of people who think the absolute world of you (and that's just us fans who don't even know you like your friends and family).

Emily x x x
PS - as well as episodes of Come Dine With Me - have a watch of the film Amelie for a wee lift - it's just fantastic!

Posted by hurnah1 on 14/06/2010

Hi, Marian! Am so very glad you're back!

I know the impossible condition you were in as I have been there myself.

At one point in my early twenties - been a decade since then - that I was hit by insomnia. I didn't sleep for 14 days! But function well. Just not feeling great.

I discovered that what helped me beat depression every.time. is to go out and get in touch with people. STRANGERS with no strings attached. I suspect this works because my personality is a Sanguine (ref: Florence Litteur).

That, and charity - as in direct contact, hands on with charity (either it was help with the disable, reading to a child) - I found these things helped.

It has been almost a decade when I last had my bout of depression. It started when I was 12 thereabouts.

These days, if something upsets me threatening to hurl me to Depression Street, all I need to do is go out, talk to strangers. - not about my problems, just about anything under the sky. Small talk.

Like with a cashier at some pharmacy, the kid at the movie ticket counter, anyone with no strings attached. The nice lady at the toll gate - "Have you had lunch?" and I always end up with, "Have a great day today." everytime.

When my mind hears this as I say it, it becomes a strong suggestion and I find myself having a better day than the one I started out with.

I don't presume to understand what you go through or that the same thing will help. Or, much less that I'm an expert on the subject of depression, but mostly I am sharing something I went through personally.

Something so horrible that I honestly don't wish it even on my worse enemy.

Life is already hard at times. There's no need for bleakness to be there as well.

Well, I hope you're better and will stay better. So many people loves you.

PLUS, you know you create a phenomenon with your stories. Very real, very different, and most of all, the smartest chick lit I know.

Stieg Larsson didn't have the same luck. He didn't even know he could write crime thriller well.

But he did.

And before I steer even further,.. God Bless, Marian and may you be restored to your cheery, funny goodself for good!

Have a great day ahead!

Posted by RealitySlams on 14/06/2010

Dear Marian, I cannot express my gratitude strongly enough in relation to your courage and strength. I am a "normal" person but have also suffered two major depressive episodes. I have no magic answer or suggestions but as you are doing hang in there - there is an end to this and you will become yourself again. I have always admired your writing but this now does not compare to my admiration of your strength and courage. There are many out there behind you. Take care and love yourself, Christine xxxxx p.s. I also submerged myself in baking - there must be something medicinal in the process....

Posted by ChristineMc on 13/06/2010

Dear Marian,

I'm so glad you're on the mend.

I can't get on with modern fiction so don't know your books, but I love your columns and articles and have so missed your newsletter.

I have PTSD so I know a little of what you've suffered, especially that crazy agitation that makes you to want to chop off your head becuase it's the only way to stop the chatter of your mind.

Well, it seems we both still have our heads, and we must keep them. Here's to you my love xx

Posted by pippa on 12/06/2010

Oh Marian - I beg to differ! You CAN write again. Hurrah! This newsletter is an amazing piece of writing. Honest, compelling and emotive. I was so thrilled to read your words again.

I am SO glad you are seeing some light in your days again, and I just hope things continue to improve for you each day.

Thank you so much for sharing this improvement with us all. I know I am one of millions who have been thinking of you these past months. You are very kind to have included us in your journey, and what is hopefully, your recovery.

All the best Marian, you are greatly loved.

xx

Posted by MellyJane on 12/06/2010

Hi Marian

I along with many others on here are so glad that you're back and are making progress. I guess I just wanted to let you know that as I have often thought about how you were.

Himself obviously loves you very much and I'm glad you have him there to support you. You can't beat the love of a good man! :o)

I also find cooking therapeutic although my daughter is the cupcake/baking fan, I tend more towards savoury but find that I smile whilst doing it. I think it's more about the pleasure I get from feeding others and watching them enjoy it.

I miss your ramblings )and I say that in the nicest way, as I too have a tendency to ramble) and I can hear your voice as I read your writing and it always makes me laugh.

I hope you continue to recover and manage to keep the black clouds at bay once more. I'm sure that BB will keep you occupied at least for the next few months, and I look forward to a possible appearance on BBLB

sending happy thoughts - Sarah xxx

Posted by sarahafrost on 12/06/2010

Well Done Marian! It's great to hear that you're feeling better. Since you wrote about depression back in January I've been thinking about how you've been and I've even said a prayer!Your words were very inspirational too which will surely help others who are in a dark place. I only hope now that things can get better! Your cakes looks great by the way! Keep up the good work!

xxxx

Posted by M on 12/06/2010

Hi Marian, Im so happy to hear from you again !
I been thinking about you from time to time during these months and hoped that you would get well again soon. I been missing your newsletter.

Hope to hear from you soon again!
/ Love from Jenny in Sweden
XXX

Posted by Crashrw on 11/06/2010

Marian, you can add baking gorgeous-looking cakes to your skills list. Something to fall back on if you forget how to write, which of course you won't because you're brilliant. We all love you.

Posted by JanelleC on 11/06/2010

Thank you so much for writing this. I am currently coming out of a really dark month, full of anxiety. All I've been able to do is watch tv shows and distract myself from my anguish and I totally identified with every single thing that you wrote. Except I can't stand baking - though I have noticed in the past that I tend to start cooking a lot before an episode, almost as if I know what is coming and I do whatever I can to stop it from happening.

I really appreciate you sharing your experience, it helps me feel less alone as besides my mother, I am the only one I know suffering such extensive anxiety and depression problems. As much as I feel terribly that other people have to suffer through this too, it's comforting to know I am not alone and that there is always hope, that it does inevitably improve.

I saw my doctor on Monday and have just started meds and already feel more hopeful. I've had anxiety problems my entire life, but never this severe, so fingers crossed that my new meds plus counselling will set me back on track.

Until then, I'll keep up with my gratitude journals and meditation and supplements ... and sweet, sweet tv show box sets.

xx

Posted by tee on 11/06/2010

Hi Marian ! Im so happy that your feeling a bit better now ! I been thinking about you from time to time during these months and I been missing your newsletters a lot! Your cakes look really yummy.
Hope to hear from you soon again!
With love from Jenny in Sweden XXX

Posted by Crashrw on 10/06/2010

Welcome back Marian. I have never suffered with depression and I have never really understood it either. I have heard people describe it as having "black dogs" around constantly but as I say I have never suffered with it. I am just glad that you are back on the upward slope.

Lynsey xx

P.s Come Dine With ME rocks! Try having your own come dine with me, I would totally recommend it!

xx

Posted by Lynseyh777 on 10/06/2010

Hi Mary, you may not remember me but I was the only male on the creative writing course last year at Harvey’s point. I learnt so much from your talks there and loved meeting you.
I too have suffered from terrible depression after food poisoning attacked my body and stopped me from doing my job as a professional squash player. I have not been able to get on the court and play since. It is eating me up. What helped me were several things. Putting on funny videos on the tv to get me to laugh. The biggest thing was a piece of advice from a depression specialist. He told me to get a piece of paper and write down all the things that I was worried about or I thought made me depressed. Then get another piece of paper and write down in what ways I could improve or get rid of each problem. Then he told me to throw the first piece away and the second paper was a list of things to do. That way even if things are on top of you then you constantly have actions to try and improve them. As you are a bundle of energy this may actually help to some extent. I hope so. Since being on the course with you I have nearly finished my fourth book. First is published but having trouble getting an agent at the moment for the others. Would love to send you the first book if you get round to start reading again. Very light reading and hopefully has a feel-good air to it.
Please get better soon. We miss your books.

Posted by squasher on 10/06/2010

Hi Marian, I have two WONDERFUL IDEAS for you to try.

1. Deep Inner Work. (psycotherapy-YES! Plus some of the following...) By this I mean Re-evaluation co-counselling, rebirthing, group work or NuroLinguistic Programming. I have found working on a deep level to shift core hurts absolutely vital to a life with much less pain!!

2. Cold Showers. You may think I am a nut-but look up the benefits on the net! Only 3 of them for 20 seconds each , each day. Make sure the water hits the back of your neck and your forehead. It clears negative energy and helps your stuck energy flow.

I feel for you beautiful one. remember you are beloved of us and of the Universe-it's time to delve deeper to heal so that you don't have to carry this stuff onto your next life. The gatherings "The Joining" and "Being Woman" in Australia have a lot of people there who can help with deep core issues(as I am sure there are in your world too).

It also sounds like you are already doing your darndest to heal-good on you... keep at it .

Best of luck. Love Shannon.

Posted by shanisun on 10/06/2010

So glad to hear you are breaking ground on brighter days. Having experienced depression for most of my life off and on I must say Our spirits are kindred. BUT! I have all but eradicated the black fog through LOTS of hard work.Some of your suggestions were methods I used. I noticed it seems to be a maintenance thing.When I feel "it" coming on even in the slightest, I take action. (I watch my diet, take my vitamins(extra B12 for metabolism and nerve support and D for body aches)I avoid ALL toxic people and the nightly news . I treat myself like a queen, take myself to lunch, buy new shoes. anyway I've managed to NOT fall in the hole for 3 years now. Here's what I wondered about your episodes...Do they seem to coincide with the completion of your novels? Could it be sort of like a post partum depression? Here you've worked so hard on this piece and suddenly it's out there.It's no longer inside of you. Anxiety sets in, fear, despair,(will they like it? will it flop?) I just thought that might be a clue for you. Nonetheless I'm SO very glad you are crawling out of the pit and I hope you never have to visit there again. Luv and hugs from sunny florida!

Posted by Skysmiles on 09/06/2010

Dear Marian,
My heart goes out to you!
I commend you for talking so honestly about your depression. It is time we broke the taboo which just makes it harder for people who suffer from this illness. I am a big fan of your books. I loved Rachel's Holiday and really related to what you wrote about your drinking in Under the Duvet.

I have suffered from Anxiety and Depression for the past 3 years. Some words which might help - "Never Ever Ever Give Up!" Winston Churchill. From my 0wn experience I would advise you:
1. To avoid the use of tranquillizers.
2. Not to have ECT.
It sounds like you're on the up and up. Keep up the fight!
Lots of Love,
Clare xxx

Posted by Clare B on 09/06/2010

Hi Marian,

I have been to some very dark places and they always inspire a poem. I will be 16 years sober this month and have ended up in a looney bin twice in sobriety. The "Perth Clinic" is my local looney bin and it is like a 5 star hotel (google it!) It is such a great place to be when I am in such a dark place - full on help 24/7! When the panic and anxiety stops me from sleeping, my psychiatrist gives me a second anti depressant in the evening called Avanza. That means I get a good sleep as Avanza has a sleeping quality and it definitely not a sleeping tablet. I am fortunate that my psychiatrist specialises in alcholics so I am in good hands. I have been so well and peaceful for the last 5 years; a day at a time. If I get in a dark place again, I'll be checking straight into the Perth Clinic! Here are a couple of my poems. Lots of love, Siobhan

INSIDE MY HEAD

It can be dark and bleak inside my head
Sometimes triggered by something someone said
Or sometimes it’s just the way I open my eyes
Seems to awaken the monster that never dies!

When I realize that the negativity is here
I know for sure that I’m not “all there”
No one told me life was going to be so hard
The illusion of constant happiness is marred!

My brain can feed on memories of the past
Which makes the hurt and pain really last
Isn’t life meant to be easier and more fun than this?
Is it just me who wants to have continual bliss?

How can I make these difficult feelings cease
This is the time it’s hard to keep my peace!
First things first, get down on my knees & pray
It’s no big deal, it’s just life, and all is OK!

I need to have sorrow to experience joy
It’s about being human, not given to annoy!
Accept that everything is as it’s meant to be
This is the time when there is the most to see.

Remember, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad
All feelings are treasures, none are bad
Just let it go, take action and do something nice today
Meditation, AA meetings & exercise will keep it at bay

I need to embrace the experience as a gift
Ironically in doing that, it will start to shift.
Sadness & tears are fine once in a while
Yet I like it best when I look in the mirror & see a smile

PANIC ZONE

I woke up! Horror, I was back in that panic zone
So bloody scary, I felt trapped and so very alone
I was far away in that dark past
When I thought the turmoil would always last.

They didn’t know my spirit was crying
They didn’t know my soul was dying
I just wanted to crawl up in a ball
As into that awful place I could feel myself fall

Why could I still feel this way?
Why do I think it’s not the right thing to say?
It’s like a black tornado inside my head
Nowhere to hide, not even in my bed.

I work so hard to make it go away
Yet its continues to terrify me day after day
I’m worn out and feel full of despair
It continues to rage on, it just doesn’t care.

I wake up, the storm has abated
It’s damage done, now it’s sated.
I’m open now for destructive beliefs to release
Acceptance is the way to find my peace

I look around with joy that I’m still here
There’s really nothing for me to fear
My higher power nestles safely in my heart
How lucky am I to have yet another start!

Posted by SHIVVY on 09/06/2010

hope your feeling better, those cakes look yummy! Depression affects everyone differently, hopefully you find what works best for you soon.
xoxo

Posted by lmpjcarey on 08/06/2010

My dear Marian,
Thankyou for putting into words, the feelings people who suffer from depression have to endure. My lovely daughter sent your newsletter to my wife (both avid readers of yours), then to me. I have suffered for over a year now and I read it through my tears. On my third lot of meds and just finished CBT.
I tell all my friends and family to read your newsletter and it helps them to understand our problems. Thanks again and again.
Phil

Posted by paspey on 08/06/2010

Hi Marian, I'm writing from India. I got to know about you from Jill Mansell's site (I'm a big fan of her) and when I read that she likes your books so much I felt that I must read your work too. I have ordered 'This charming man'.
After reading this newsletter I'm very impressed by your strength as I feel depressed too sometimes.You are a wonderful lady and am looking forward to read your book :)
God bless you...
Love
Pragya xxx

Posted by Goel on 08/06/2010

Thanks for putting all this into words. I did the baking too, but also was eating it all:)
Then I found sewing and it's my therapy. I sew for all the little people in my life. There have even been times when immersed in cuting out a new pattern that I felt my brain switch off and it was like just for those few minutes I could breathe again.
Thanks again for your bravery.
A. sewmentalmama.blogspot.com

Posted by sewmentalmama on 07/06/2010

Hi Marion,

You have no idea how delighted I was to finally hear from you, like so many I have thought of you often and prayed you were surviving the horrors, such a dreadful illness that I am fortunate enough to never have encountered but can imagine it must be so the most difficult thing to overcome - no plaster to fix it. Please know your news has made me howl with laughter in the past and I look forward for your sake to the day it does again - there are definate glimmers in the above - god bless himself and the fact you have him
Jo
x

Posted by Jo Jardine on 07/06/2010

Thinking of you xx

Posted by Debsmcvb on 07/06/2010

Hi Marian! Those cakes look delicious :-) Very nice to see you got better, very good news!!! Just like to say: go on!!! You feel better now you will be ok tomorrow. And in my opinion, apart from your readers love (including mine), Himself's and yours was there all the time, supporting both. All the happiness for you and Himself for long, long time.

Besos

Posted by tatiana on 07/06/2010

Dear Marian,
here´s wishing you all the best. May you feel better and better each day. I have loved your books for many years now. You are truly one of my favourite writers! Greetings from Germany!

Posted by Sundaygirl on 07/06/2010

Marian, you are an inspiration and a true star. Your books have gotten me through the darkest of days, depression and anorexia have plagued me all my adult life and if it weren't for the Walsh sisters I would not have smiled at all. Rachel's Holiday provides the safest of havens for me to crawl into. So glad you're feeling better, you are amazing xx

Posted by offalyrose on 07/06/2010

Marian, I just wanted to say how brave you are for talking about this openly with us all. And you should NEVER feel guilty about the way you feel because of the life you lead. It is not something you choose to feel.
I think I suffered with post-natal depression last year but I was too afraid to go to the doctor. I stayed away from all of my friends except for a select few. On the other side of it now I can admit it to myself but at the time I tried to push it away and get through each hour, each minute. I felt terrible because I had nothing to be depressed about - I had a beautiful baby girl, a loving husband, a roof over my head, a job to return to...
I write as well and you have been great inspiration to me as an author. I always look forward to your books and will continue to do so. The writing will come back in time and it sounds like you're doing a lot to help yourself. As always you are inspirational. Keep going x PS I'm most impressed by your baking skills! Yum!

Posted by GemEsp on 07/06/2010

Hi Marian,
I'm really pleased you're on your way back out of the dark :) Love the pics!
I admire your bravery for speaking out about your battles with depression. You have helped so many people, including myself, just by speaking about them so publicly. So from my heart a HUGE thank you x x x
I will keep hoping you are getting better and better x

Posted by gem on 07/06/2010

Dear Marian,
i am soooo sorry to hear all that! It's so hard when you go down that far, you wonder if you'll ever be able to climb back up, but inevitably you will because you must... Eventually the darkness will become just a whisper and then one day only visit you occasionally in dreams... Perhaps like me this experience is here to teach you something of yourself, perhaps you have been thrown into 'the moment' to show you something of the beauty to be found in the stillness~es... And perhaps terror makes visits to teach us how not to fear anymore... Maybe you and i and many others who find themselves in a similar place may very well one day realize that we have been given a gift far more precious than we can truly understand right now... But maybe one day soon it might just very well be *You* (for i believe we are chosen for the gifts we have to share) who will find the right words again to reach out to other aching hearts to help them through their dark nights of the soul. Luv to you xox

Posted by Nolly on 07/06/2010

Dear Marian,
I just wanted to say that I wish you all the best and that I am glad you´re starting to feel a little better. Thank you for being so open and honest. I have loved your wonderful novels for many years and I can honestly say you´re one of my favourite writers. (And I do read your books in English!:) Please get well soon!
Greetings from Germany!

Posted by Sundaygirl on 07/06/2010

Ah Marian, thank fuck you're back. We've been so worried about you. I've been checking your website for an update every week, and hoping hoping hoping that you would be feeling better. I will be praying that your upward trajectory continues.

Please don’t feel that you have to justify how you feel in comparison with other people in dire circumstances – you have a terrible illness that is not of your creation – no-one reading your update would be left in any doubt about that. And don’t worry about not being able to write, we will wait for you, for as long as it takes. Just keep on swimming.

All my love xx

Posted by RunLyraRun on 07/06/2010

Dear Marian,
I too am in that horrible, black and lost place and your very act of so honestly sharing is a true inspiration. Thank you for helping me to remember to share. And for the understanding that, even when it feels you can't possibly hang on, not to be afraid. We all hang on to each other.

Thank you so much.
Like eveyone else here, I'm hanging on to you Marian (and not just to get at those delicious-looking cakes!):D XXXXX

Posted by Squilla on 07/06/2010

Fan-bloody-tastic, Marian. Have kept checking (not in an obsessive way, I hope :-) the website, just in case you had written something and somehow no-one had sent an email to tell me, so I was really happy to see the mail today. Love the cakes, love those cute cars, just so glad you're feeling a bit better. The bad time sounds truly hideous. Can't tell you how cheered I am that you're feeling a bit better xxxx

Posted by helennw3 on 06/06/2010

Marian - welcome back. You are surrounded by love from your family and your fans. If it all gets too dark PLEASE contact ANY of us at ANY time and we will try and help. Don't bottle it up and please don't let it all get too much for you luvvie. x

Posted by Nickee on 06/06/2010

You poor old fecker, you have had an awful time of it. I completely identify with all the feelings you described around your depression...been there done that...but not for near as long as you. You are a mighty woman to have gotten this far and I know deep inside of you that there is a tiny star shining called SURVIVAL because otherwise you wouldnt be here when it got as bad as you described. Our heads are just lethal and very hard to ignore when the s**t floods in and triggers the bad feelings and I just wanted to let you know you are not on your own. Please God, you are on the way up and I will keep you in my prayers and you are like myself...mad for the baking...I just love it. Take care hun. xxxxxxxxx

Posted by ellenmartin on 06/06/2010

Hi Marian :)
It's so great to hear that you are getting better :) and that things are looking up :)
Your cakes look amazing, you surely are an amazing cook :)
We were wondering if you have heard about Darren and Lilia's Tour of Latin Fever, it's going round the UK and so is the Strictly Come Dancing Pro Tour, we are sure you would be more than welcome to attend and it could possibly make you feel a bit happier about life :) You never know! :) All those sequins and glitter!
A pink car is most certainly the way forward <3
Please hang in there and keep going :) It's a blessing that you are still here and are getting better <3
Best wishes and lots of love,
Rosie and Julia xxx

Posted by ro_ju93 on 06/06/2010

welcome back,

Posted by ann snow white on 06/06/2010

Hi Marian.

I know depression it's difficult overcome, but I think you are an amazing woman with a great willpower, and you will achieve it!

I'm reading now Rachel's Holiday and with each word I read I think "I wish I would write like Marian" :)

Well, maybe another terapy can be a travel to Spain, sun it's a good antidepressant.

I hope you get over so soon! and sorry if my english it's not totally right.

Kisses of an 'amiga' in Spain.

Lucia

Posted by Lucia on 06/06/2010

Glad your starting to claw your way back. Know exactly what it feels like; been on anti-ds or anti-anxiety pills on and off last 20 years since I was 18. You really don't have any control over your thoughts or feelings, so don't think you are being selfish. When you're in the pit, you don't need another big, jaggy stick to beat yourself with! I've been thoroughly therapped in loads of different ways, tried loads of different meds and I still get episodes. At the moment, I'm trying to think of my depressive episodes as something akin to getting an unavoidable visit from my least favourite relative; an excercise in superhuman endurance! Congratulations in getting through this episode intact. All the best xxx

Posted by spacemonkey on 06/06/2010

So happy to see you're back Marian! I hope you get better soon, you don´t have to feel any presion about writing, just get recovered and remember you´re the best and lots of people love you!!

Posted by victo on 06/06/2010

HI Marian, so good to hear from you and glad you're feeling a bit better. Depression is a terrible terrible illness and I dont think anyone can understand exactly how you are feeling. It does sound like you have fantactic friends and family and of course 'Himself'to help you through and I think the idea of baking in fantastic, I dabble a little a while ago with cupcakes, imagining myself opening a little cupcake shop here in Leeds (no such luck, my cakes were terrible) anyway during one of my 'down' times I took to scouring cupcake websites you can't believe all the accoutriments and decorations are out there for the professional cupcake baker.

Anyway enough of this idle chit chat just wanted to tell you how good it was to receive your newlestter and I hope you can go from strength to strength in getting back to some semblance of normality.

One last thing, I find that going to the gym and taking part in classes really helps my mood, some days I have to force myself to go as it would be so easy to stay at home but once I've been I can feel all the happy endorphine running through me - it's great. Any finally another good exercise for banishing 'bad thoughts' is to clear clutter from all your cupboards and streamline your home it really does help its like throwing away the clutter from your mind and help you see things clearly. But I bet you've heard all this before. Stay strong, we all love you

Take Care Janet x

Posted by mackerel on 06/06/2010

Hola Marian.
Me alegra de que estes ahi. No comprendo bien el Ingles pero entiendo por lo que estas pasando. Asi que mucho animo, sigue luchando por vivir. La depresion es como una enfermedad del alma y tu que sabes como alegrar la vida de los demas a traves de tus obras, encontraras la manera de hacerlo con la tuya.
Un beso y animo desde España

Posted by Beatriz on 06/06/2010

Marian,
I am so glad to hear you're getting better. I went through depression this time last year and the first thing people close to me said also was 'Sure what would you have to be depressed about?' (In all the glorious wexfordian accents!) I did get better and my year went on.

Recently I lost my boyfriend and I feared I would slip back into that black hole but as lick arsey as this may sound, your books may just have stopped that!! I lost myself in books of my favourite authors, including some of yours which I had read umpteen times already, but the others just weren't funny enough!

Soooooo, off I went down to the bookshop (okay, so it was every one in wexford town) and didn't rest until I had every one of your books I could get, in my possession. I just finished the last one.(And I have watched 'Au secours, j'ai trente ans!')

Marian, I want to sincerely thank you for keeping me laughing and smiling through this horrible experience.

Best wishes and much love from the sunny (cough) south east!! xx

(Apologies for the feathery strokery-ness of this!! :) )

Posted by MonaLisahan on 06/06/2010

I am so sorry to hear you have been so unwell. I too have been the victim of depression and have had a sort of nervous breakdown due to several pressures in life. I lined all the tablets in the house up in their packs end to end, they went almost all the way round the worktop. Then I remembered the children and put them away.
I hope you keep on getting better each day, and every hour is one less to suffer...one nearer getting better again.
Take care Marian, you really do inspire so many people.
xxxx

Posted by Mermaid185 on 06/06/2010

Marian,
I'm so pleased to hear you are on the mend. I love baking for therapy too, and recently started a cake decorating course that was held at the local school. Unfortunately I've had an emergency operation and I've had to abandon the course after only three lessons. I've got the bug to decorate now, and I recommend watching Cake Boss on Discovery.realtime. It's good for a laugh and the cake designs are great. Take care xx

Posted by susannah1968 on 06/06/2010

Dear Marian, I just wanted to add my best wishes and tell you that I love your books. I'm a writer too (unpublished as yet) and it's something I love. My mother passed away 8 weeks ago and I've been lost since. The writing will save me if I can get back to it. Stephen King reckons it saved him after his accident. I think that it might be worth your while to try writing something completely mad and not your usual style just to break the mould and have fun with it. Not for publication, just for silliness. Horror (like me) or a crime caper or something. Anyway, the main thing is for you to feel better. I'd love more books from you but when the time is right, they'll come. Best best wishes. Tina (fellow Irish writer in troubled times)

Posted by TinaL on 06/06/2010

Dear Marian, if there were any magic spell to cast to bring you back to happiness or however you may call it (that "my old self" should do), you would've already found it out. The point is that you've already helped us all a lot with your magic, and the only magic I've ever come across is LOVE, I send you all love from the bottom of my heart and wish you the best from Spain.
LOVE YOU.

Posted by Crisaple on 06/06/2010

Dearest Marian, am so glad that things are looking up for you. When I was felled by depression I also took to baking: did just about everything from "How To Be A Domestic Goddess". As well I cooked intimate dinners for close friends - I think it was my way of telling them I cared. May your life be full of chocolate sprinkles. xx

Posted by Stacey on 06/06/2010

Hey Marian!
I am so glad to hear from you. I wish you can overcome the situation you are going through.
I love your writing! Pls, don't stop doing it! It would be a great lost.

You cook like this since you were a kid? Amazing! I am awful with baking! Yours, they all look delicious! And the pink car... COME ON! AWESOME!!!!!! I'd love to have a lovely mini cooper all fixed up for a girl like me!

Well, send you my best from here (Peru)... will keep reading you.

Great energies to you!

Posted by kvtarazona on 06/06/2010

I'm so so so so sorry about these past awful months, and I really hope that you get well ASAP. I'm reading The Brightest Star in the Sky and absolutely adoring it, just as I have all of the rest of your books. You are a fantastic author and person, and if anyone deserves to get better, it would be you. I really hope that you are on the mend and that this better period will last. Keep doing everything that makes you happy, and don't feel you need to write. I for one would be happy just knowing that you are feeling better. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Posted by lre1128 on 06/06/2010

Sending you love, light, strength, support, cuddles and peace. Hang on in there missus! xxxxxxx

Posted by catmag on 05/06/2010

Marian it is so wonderful to read your news. I have thought about you so often these last months. I too have suffered from my own chronic recurring blackness. Much of what you describe reminds me of my abyss. At my bleakest I watched Gladiator 5 times a day, spent hours playing Spider Solitaire,would buy things, usually exercise equipment, at 3am on QVC and lie through my teeth about sharing it with a friend. I felt like a weathered statue,just a block of stone,no features,no detail just a still mass.
My consultant tried many drugs and the "wash out" between them was... But I have been on an MAOI Phenelzine for the last 6 years...no cheese, RED WINE,Marmite and no broad bean pods( how I miss those delicious things) but it keeps me well so bugger the wine.
After a dip my retiring consultant referred me to the NHS psychology team and I luckily got 22 months of once a fortnight (weekly when I was really getting into the thick of it) of one to one psycho dynamic therapy. It turned my life around.
This horrible condition robbed me of a profession I loved and was very good at I am now back at work as an administrator for a school Special Needs Department.
Marian you will return to you...have blips but there will always be a pinprick of light.
Like you I have a wonderful "himself" who looked after me and my two young children while my life was frozen,who just went with the most bizarre behaviour. I wouldn't be here either without him.
Bless you Marian, It's lovely to have you back and hear your lovely family news. With much love Lindsay

Posted by Louloudu on 05/06/2010

Hi Marian... Just a thought, I have struggled with sadness, anxiety, panic attacks, evil thoughts etc. I don't think I have sunken to the point as you have for you have been low for a longer amount of time at one time than I but I want to share something that has helped somewhat. I am a lover of diet soda, splenda, calorie free drinks, sugar free gum etc. I found that but taking the artificial sugar out of my diet that I have improved a lot of the mood swings, sleep disturbances and depression and panic attacks. I found that it was clearly doing me more harm than good. I don't know if you are too a coffee or tea drinker with equal or another kind of artificial sweetner (aspartame) in but but if you are it might be worth a shot to stop it and see how you feel. It's not a cure all but I read a book on the toxicity of the stuff and it's definitely not good for you. Hope you are well SOOONNN.. miss your books, LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM and now that I've read the brightest star in the sky (like the day it came out) I'm trying to be patient for your next masterpiece :)
Stay healthy,
Sarah

Posted by sarahzsimmons on 05/06/2010

Amazing to hear you're starting to feel better. I've been crossing my fingers for a newsletter every month, and when you were the answer to a puzzle in the Metro recently II'm not kidding, I literally laughed out loud and got it after the first three words (the other train passangers were rather amused!!).

I hope you manage to reclaim your telent for writing. I love your books - they've got me through education, break ups, new relationships, sad days, happy days, and so many long journeys I daren't even begin to count. *Hugs for you, Himself and everyone else*. x

Posted by Crayola on 05/06/2010

Marian Keyes... You are AMAZING! The amount of people that love your work is unreal. The number of comments in two days, wow!

"Keep holding oooooon!". Rachel in Glee, belting it out just for you.. I can't remember the other words, it could well be a love song, but the chorus is the main bit in fairness.

You are one of my top three fav authors, alongside J.K. Rowling and Jodi Picoult, but I can safely say that your books are the only ones that make me scream with laughter. Your characters are so bloody lovable! The term "Rough as a badger's
arse" had me in fits for quite a while. I throw it into conversation now and again and shriek as I do.

You're fantastic! Last week I had a dream that I met you... you spoke French to me in a queue for something, that was fairly weird... just goes to show that you're in the minds of many!

Posted by claralaara on 05/06/2010

Hi Marian, So sorry you're going through this, it's a hideous illness and obviously as as widespread as flu but perversely it still has something of a stigma about it, as though you're choosing to feel this way. Thank you for being brave/strong enough to talk about it so openly, you are probably helping many people simply by doing so.
Like everyone else who has posted on here, i want to send you my love and let you know that on my bad days (I have M.E.)I listen to your books on CD as i too find it difficult to read. They make me smile and they stop the 'negative self talk' in my head!
I also made cakes when i got ill (am now considered something of an expert) and i swear by Nigella's recipes. I emailed her and told her how much baking was helping me and she wrote back - how cool is that!
Anyway, keep doing your thing and know how much you are loved, you have touched people right across the world (in a good way)and we all want you to get better. Felicity xx

Posted by felicity on 05/06/2010

Welcome back, sweet Marian. The world is a better (and funnier) place with you in it.

Posted by sassefras1972 on 05/06/2010

Hello, Marian,

Thank you for sharing some of your painful thoughts and feelings. Thank you for your strength, and for sharing your inspiring struggle.

I am delightd you have great sources of love in your life, and that you have found wonderful outlets for your creativingity.
Take good care.

Posted by Laura FDT on 05/06/2010

Marian, darling heart, keep doing whatever you are doing (all of it, for all the quacks know it might be a very specific combination of all the little things that gets you over the line). As John Lennon once said, "Whatever gets you through the night... it's alright." And perhaps you won't look back and laugh at the darkest days in your life, but know that your life experiences, especially the tough ones, contribute to a unique perspective that makes you not just the amazing person you are, but the incredible writer as well... and your ability to use all that pain and insight in your books is what makes your characters so rich and memorable too. Write when you feel like writing... you know we'll all be here to embrace you and whatever you create as always. Love and hugs, Teresa x

Posted by teresabutler on 04/06/2010

Dear Marian, when I saw your name in my inbox this morning, my heart skipped a beat. Seriously. I can honestly say and , hand on heart, I have missed you so much. I have loved receiving your newsletter every month and have thought about you every day since reading your newsletter in January. I did leave a reply but I checked an checked and it never appeared on the page but I really did think about you so much and I am so pleased that you are on the road to recovery. You are an amazing woman, you really are, you should be proud of yourself for being able to talk about your problems rather than hide away like most others would. It gives us, your fans hope that if you can get through this then so can we. We really do all love you so much and hope your road to recovery is an easy one to travel. All the best Marian. P.s. I am very jealous of your pink car! I want one :) XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Posted by Bekkib123 on 04/06/2010

Marion, I was so happy to get this and see things are getting better. I'm really pleased for you. I've never heard anyone describe depression so well either, I've only suffered this to a relatively mild degree compared to you but you put it so well. I wish you still wrote about make up actually, I'm a bit obsessed with the stuff!! I'd rather read a new novel from you of course but baby steps!

Posted by AIMEE on 04/06/2010

So glad to have you back with us! You have been in my thoughts over the last few months, wondering how you have been doing. The baking is a fabulous idea, it is very therapeutic - and even if things don't always go quite right the end result usually still tastes nice! Not sure if you have heard of or seen a show called Cougar Town? Might be worth a look, the episodes are half an hour each and are very entertaining :) Not sure if you know anyone with a dog who you could maybe visit, I know when my black fog descends sometimes the only thing which helps are my Mum's labradors - taking them for a hike or even just petting and cuddling them and telling them my woes. They never get tired of listening which is sometimes all you want, even if you are not making much sense.
PS Himself, you are doing a fabulous job - please remember you are not alone and we are all sending both of you love and support!

Posted by Snell on 04/06/2010

Dear Marian,

I am so glad that you are doing better. You’ve been in my thoughts these past months. I experienced many of the feelings you describe in my own recovery and your writing brought it back so vividly. I remember that split second of peace when I first woke up, then the fear crashing in, so that I thought I would be sick with the force of it. I always hoped it would be a reasonable hour, but it was usually 5.30am. I remember congratulating myself for sitting through Emmerdale – another half hour done – then the meeting (where I was pleased if I managed a biscuit as my throat felt tied,) then almost bedtime and another day done. It got easier when the sun set. (my sister said ‘We’re coming into summer – you’re fucked.’)

In the middle of the night, when there was no one to talk to and the Big Book seemed too distant, rereading Rachel’s Holiday was a huge comfort. I always wanted to thank you for that. Your experience, strength and hope were and are a great help to me.

All my best wishes, Clare

Posted by clareg on 04/06/2010

Dear Marian,
I am so glad to hear that you are doing better. You've been in my thoughts these past months. I've experienced many of the feelings you describe in my own recovery, and your writing brought it all back to me, so vividly. I remember that split second of peace when I woke every morning, just before the fear crashed in and I felt as if I would be sick with the force of it. I'd look at the clock, praying it was a reasonable hour but it was usually 5.30am. I remember congratulating myself when I sat through Emmerdale - another 30 minutes done, then out to a meeting (pleased if I managed to eat a biscuit, since my throat felt tied)then almost bedtime, and another day got through.It used to get easier when the sun set (my sister said 'well, we're heading into summer - you're fucked.')

When there was no one to talk to in the middle of the night, and the Big Book seemed too distant, rereading Rachel's Holiday was a huge comfort. I will always thank you for that.

Your experience, strength and hope were and are a great help to me.

my best wishes, clare

Posted by clareg on 04/06/2010

Hi Marian!

Its so great that you are slowly on the mend - I was worrying about you!

I'm glad that you find baking so helpful and therapeutic - I always find it extremely calming and I can almost do it on autopilot now! Your cakes look divine!

I have no idea how you are feeling / felt and so I can only wish you the best, my very best wishes.

Love Lucy

p.s. I am only a lowly A level psychology student, but I would seriously warn you against ECT (electric shock treatment), or at least do some proper research before you do it, as it is not a decision to take lightly. Your artistic skills and talent may be negatively changed - I just hope and wish all the best!

Posted by Lucy404 on 04/06/2010

Welcome back Marian.... :-)

Posted by H3l3n on 04/06/2010

I LOVE cake and your cakes look delicious, but PLEASE don't become a baker - I'd definitely prefer your books to a cake!!!

Posted by Danish Fan on 04/06/2010

Dearest Marian,
Good to hear that you are on your way back up to the surface. I know what that terrible agitation feels like, it really is the worst - wanting to jump out of your skin. Medication really is the answer and I'm glad you're trying different tablets. It took me about 6 tries to find Sertraline and it changed my life. You need something that turns the volu
me down on The Fear. The tapping therapy is the only thing that helped me when the panic would threaten to overwhelm me (but that's only temporary).I know it sounds nutty but it honestly really works. Try "Tapping the Healer Within" by Roger Callahan.

A big Well Done to Himself for doing such a great job when he must be feeling so powerless to help you.
Keep being kind to yourself and don't put pressure on yourself to start writing again, it will happen when you're well enough. We all just want you to get back to full health.
Finally thanks for speaking out when you are a high profile target for people who don't understand depression is not something you can cure by simply counting your blessings (if only!).You are really helping the rest of us who suffer in silence.
All my love
Tara xxx

Posted by Tara on 04/06/2010

yay, you're back! That's ayoba!! (some South African slang for you. Means awesome, sweet, cool etc. thought you might like to hear it, what with the upcoming world cup and such!) xxx

Posted by CatherineJ on 04/06/2010

Dear Marian,

So glad you are feeling better! Was lovely to see that you were ready to write to us. Sending you lots of love from Melbourne xoxox

Posted by Maria Rodriguez on 04/06/2010

Marian it must have taken such courage to write that, congratulations! I was so so so happy to hear from you, you've been in my thoughts throughout these long months. Believe me you haven't lost it, I was laughing and crying while reading that newsletter! Those cakes look incredible, baking is so theraputic. I'm so glad you've been out walking in Wicklow because it is something that I've recently started doing and it is so enjoyable and you get a great sense of freedom. Keep doing it!! I just cannot imagine what you have been going through, it is simply awful... You say you haven't been able to write, you just did. You didn't write a tiny 2 sentence piece you wrote a long article, that was a massive step in your recovery. Never ever give up, you are fantastic and we all love you so much. xxxx

Posted by greenapples on 04/06/2010

It's so wondeful to see you back Marian, i'd like to congratulate you for having the honesty to speak about something that not nearly enough people are honest about.
As regards the baking, you may like this websiite, it's a blog by a Dublin girl who bakes yummy stuff

http://likemamusedtobake.blogspot.com/

Posted by blondie on 04/06/2010

Glad to hear that your feeling much better and your great sense of humour can still be seen in you writing. Love the cakes! Hope your fully recovered soon. Ali x

Posted by aliasgrace on 04/06/2010

Marian, I cannot even begin to understand what you and so many others go through because of depression - the nearest I've been to it was during monthly PMS days (and, BTW, Evening Primrose Oil helps a lot!), but I truly sympathise with your fight and send you all my best wishes of recovery.
Your books have helped me a lot with my learning English (I'm Brazilian) and since "Watermelon" - probably the book I laughed most in my life when reading - I have been waiting for every new book with enormous anticipation. And after I read each of them I think of writing to you, you make us feel so close, like family or a best friend... I've always though of suggesting a character for one of your books, maybe an immigrant living in the UK during these more conservative (pun unintended) times... Sadly I never wrote but could not leave it pass now, after reading your amazingly personal and open newsletter.
Please keep going on, day by day, or hour by hour if you must, but never give up. I know it's easier said than done but remember all the people around the world your words have touched so much and be sure that you are loved by millions. Keep baking (very yummy cake pics, thank you Himself!), watch TV, read (may I also give you a suggestion? A self-help book called "The Power of Your Subconscious Mind", by Joseph Murphy, and the others he wrote, helped my mother fight cancer for a long time, you may find them useful too), enjoy your family, friends and your pink car, indulge yourself in the small things that make you happy and give yourself time. We'll be here, supporting you and waiting for you.
Tonia

Posted by Tonia on 04/06/2010

What happy news! I am delighted to hear that you are feeling better. I am also delighted to see that you have become a domestic goddess!!! Your cakes look fantastic. I always read your books when I feel sad. Well done on being so honest and open. You are helping eradicate the stigma that surrounds depression. You are an inspiration.

Posted by AllieM on 04/06/2010

Welcome Marian! I am very glad to be back to read your blog
It's fantastic! And really, little by little everything returns to its place. You are stronger than you think.

For me and for many people you are very important in this life, we need you.

So just out of selfishness, keep writing please.

You're the best! We love you Marian ..

Posted by evita on 04/06/2010

Thank you for staying with us Marian, and thank you for your bravery in sharing with us, and thank you to himself for being such a great man.

Posted by Tiz on 04/06/2010

Hi Marian - so nice to read your newsletter again. It really is a ray of sunshine. It's about time the world woke up to dealing with depression. Good for you for being brave enough to write about it so candidly as it will help others. I visited a friend once in a psychiatric hospital and never forgot how many people I met there who simply had no light in their eyes. Many were my own age and from a similar background - I have never forgotten those visits as in an instance I saw how devastatingly dehabilitating depression can be. So, mind yourself and don't mind the begrudgers they're not worth it. Oh and keep up the baking - if all else fails sugar will do ... xx

Posted by Ocelot on 04/06/2010

Glad you are back! All the best. Look after yourself.

Posted by NIXONS on 04/06/2010

My dear Marian. I cried when I read your newsletter. I have literally gotten through day by day by reading your books. The pages are worn and covers bent and I can quote paragraphs at a time. I feel like the Walsh girls are my friends. Please get well soon. I love you, and clearly by reading other posts I'm not alone. I sending thoughts of warmth and good health to you. Thankyou for coming back to us

Posted by Kikkinon on 04/06/2010

Hi Marian

Just wondered if you have thought about trying Electric Shock Therapy? My friends mother had a very severe depressive episode over Christmas and ended up around 4 stone and in hospital. It was an awful incident and nothing seemed to be working. Then the Doctor suggested Electric Shock Therapy. Anyway that has worked a treat, she is coming on really well and hopes to be out of hospital soon.

Might be worth giving it a go.

Posted by Eagle on 04/06/2010

Dear Marian,

I am Mauritian (currently sudying in Cape Town) and I absolutely love you. I have been going through a sort of depression of my own and I feel great after having read your little piece here. I really thought I was quite a madzer for making my boyfriend run, (not once, not twice, not thrice, but FOUR times) from his guys night out to come to me because I was crying abnormally and making a fuss in the middle of night and SWEARING that I reached the tip of the iceberg and that I WOULD end up killing somebody... ANYBODY, or myself, or break something. I know I might sound like a BIG attention seeker, but I really don't know what was happening. I think its my ex boyfriend, turning me into a real walking CRAZY person.
Keep the good work going! :)

Posted by Naebsy on 04/06/2010

l also have been bitten by the black dog. l have never felt such a joyless lifeless hopeless place without light.Thank God we live in this age and treatment is available. My worst fear is that it will sneak up on me again.Hopefully not. God bless. Mary Terase.

Posted by mary terase on 04/06/2010

Marian,
I understand the last thing you are looking for is pity, however I am deeply saddened by your newsletter. While I cannot say I have stood exactly in your shoes, I can certainly share some empathy in that I have experienced a similar kind of darkness. And though none of your friends, family or fans can pull you from your broken self, I can only hope that you will find the will to keep living and find the inspiration to touch the lives of everyone around you and simply write.

I admire your strength right now. It's this type of strength that - at the end of the day - can show you just how powerful you truly are.

Posted by stef.dooley on 04/06/2010

Hello Marian, enjoyed your two latest books, then discovered "Last Chance Saloon" and enjoyed it even more....good advice from my Doctor, try to have something to look forward to, it may be a tiny thing, very best wishes, thinking of you with hope xo

Posted by rosy in oz on 04/06/2010

Well. Ok - first of all, look what you've done to me woman - half an hour ago I was sitting here at work checking my emails (on the skive, obviously) and saw you'd written another newsletter; two sentences in and I'm doing that awkward silent crying you do in the office. (You know the type - where if you get up to go to the bathroom to really have a good old BAWL for yourself, everyone will notice as you’re walking, so instead you sit veeerrry very still trying to act like the water leaking from your face has nothing to do with you and stare very keenly at the ceiling for a bit willing the tears to eff off back into your eyes.)
What I’m trying to say is that CHRIST you’re incredible. Even at your lowest ebb, with nothing apparently but a whisk, some whipped egg whites and a bag of icing-sugar between you and oblivion (cakes look AMAZING, by the way – you should be very proud of each and every one), you still manage to write so eloquently, so openly and so perceptively about how you feel and what you’re experiencing that you’re able - in the midst of what I thought was a Normal Day - to spirit me right back to the root of what caused my depression to manifest itself fully a few years ago, when I was about 20. Most days I can walk through life with every pain in my heart conveniently frozen into a little block; some days it melts. And jesus does it melt EVERYWHERE. (Hence why I shouldn’t make the mistake of reading your beautiful, insightful words within five miles of my bloody office.)
I know you’re an avid reader yourself and have been through the whole ‘I am an intelligent human being with no reason to feel this way and I am going to find out what the hell is wrong with me” search with books and libraries a go-go but having read what you feel above (and identifying with every word) I’m powerfully reminded of what a therapist soothingly (how else!) suggested to me at the Priory Roehampton (indeed - nothing less than the swankiest people deciding exactly how mental I am! No sir). Annywah - according to my amazing therapist, there is a facet of depression that can best be described as ‘frozen anger’. So impotent is our rage in the face of some of the terrible, terrible things that happen to us and others that it literally has nowhere to go but in, leaving us in a state of frenzied numbness. We try and try to distract ourselves (drink, drugs, food, sex – and the rest; frenzy!) because wishing our parents WEREN’T abusive alcoholics or wishing that we WEREN’T constantly afraid of everything or whatever the issue is (two of mine there for you!) we cannot change it yet cannot cope with it – so we freeze the feelings and hope they’ll disappear (numbness!).
I know enough about you from reading the openly personal bits and pieces you’ve written over the years, so I know there are parts of life that cause not just me, but even amazing people like you some immense sadness or lack of fulfillment, and they simply can’t be solved. So tentatively, tentatively (cannot BELIEVE I’m going to attempt to give you pointers – at 17, when I got the most revolting haircut in the world and SOBBED all the way home, the only thing that would calm me was to find the bit in Rachel’s Holiday where she had a Mammy cut, to reassure myself that somebody somewhere knew how I was feeling – and I’m now trying to help the wisest person I feel I know!), I suggest that maybe you try and work out what might be making you angry? I know it doesn’t feel like anger but I reckon it could work? It helped me when nothing else would, is all I know. Unfortunately I’m CRAP at the next bit, once you’ve identified the cause – ie ‘sitting with the feelings’ and ‘welcoming them in’ – as I’m a pragmatist and if I can’t see a solution then damned if I’m going to think about the problem (I just go off and eat/throw up/shag around/drink too much/etc etc instead; much more sensible no? No). But maybe were you to give that a whirl you might have a few absolutely SHITTY days where all you did was cry and swear at Himself and smash your fist through your lovely roulade, but in a way it’d be better than the endless drone of how you’re feeling now where identifying an emotion is like trying to nail jelly to a wall. (Like I said, tell me to piss off, because I can’t get to that stage yet so maybe it’s a load of crap).
One more thing – and listen now, Marian, because this really IS relevant and important. The point is this: there are no big events, just big emotions. Seriously. For one person, something truly EVIL could occur – they could lose a loved one in a murder, be raped, live in a warzone or something equally horrific, and nobody on the planet would have anything but the deepest heartbreaking sympathy for them and regret that such a thing had happened. These things are on a huge scale – writ large enough that everyone can empathise with the pain. However, there are small and frequent things that destroy a soul as well – parents divorcing. Bullies at school. Loneliness. Being denied something you want more than anything, which everyone else seems to be able to have. These are ‘lesser’ – but mother of fuck, do they still mess you up. My point is the feelings are just as virulent in either case – you can’t be ‘a little bit’ suicidal. Whatever’s making you feel that way is a valid complaint – it doesn’t matter that you’re not out in Somalia trying to knit your own goat herd that you might feed a family of 90. Life can smack you square in the jaw and leave you reeling whether you’re in a mud hut or a mansion… so less of the feeling you’re not entitled to be unhappy – even though nobody would want to see you so.
I’ve rambled hugely (why use one word when ten will do, that’s my philosophy) but I suppose all I want to say is that nobody has ever written me (and thousands of other people judging by everyone’s responses here), and what I have felt, like you have in your books – so clearly that I couldn’t have put it into words more truthfully myself. Bugger trying to write if you’re not feeling up to it – we’ll all be here however long it takes, because you are a truly gifted author and documenter (a real word? No? Ah well) of how humans live and love and relate and something you are so superbly talented at doing should never be anything but a joy for you – it’s certainly a joy for me and for us.
I hope you feel better soon. I feel as concerned as if you were a dear, dear friend – which you have been for a decade or more, whether you knew it or not, ever since I turned the first page of Rachel’s Holiday and got sent out of Prep at my boarding school in Dublin for laughing too loudly at the ‘do you ever wonder what it’s like to be a radiator’ bit in Lucy Sullivan – and want you to take care of yourself. Be patient. Try and stay in the moment (ie no despairing about the bloody Iraquis or something while watching Come Dine With Me). And bake more gorgeous cakes…
Lots of love,
Laura xxx

Posted by Laura1983 on 04/06/2010

I don't have any great advice to help you, Marian, but I want you to know that I've