February
Saint Valentine, like many of the saints, met a grisly end – he was beaten to a pulp, then beheaded and Good enough for him, is what I say. In fact, if anything, they went too easy on him because far from bringing lovairs together, Saint Valentine causes nothing but rows and recriminations. On Valentine’s Day, tangible proof of love is demanded and the problem is that expectations are simply too high. Woe betide any man who forgets to show up bearing under his oxter, a bunch of flowers, a box of chocolates and a bottle of perfume. But even if they remember to bring something, they still get it wrong.
Take flowers. Men just don’t seem to understand that there’s a difference between on the one hand, a bouquet of 30 red roses in full bloom, their petals like velvet, their perfume like Turkish delight, and on the other, a motley handful of browning carnations, with a fake cellophane frill, picked up on the Shell forecourt along with a twix and 30 euro worth of petrol. Could I suggest a fiendishly clever solution? Ditch the idea of fresh flowers altogether – it’ll only end in tears – and get something from Jo Malone. It’ll be LIKE flowers, only nicer and will last much, much longer and won’t cause any rows. Put in a request for Red Roses cologne and matching candle. Or Orange Blossom. Or Vintage Gardenia. Or Wild Fig and Cassis. The scents are subtle and so uplifting. And the packaging is EXQUISITE – boxes and ribbons and bags and more ribbons – it’ll reduce you to tears (of happiness. Instead of disappointment.)
Moving on to underwear. Men and women have very different ideas about what constitutes sexy underwear. Men tend to favour the crotchless, the colour red, the man-made fibre; if you don’t get a mild electric shock from it, it’s considered inferior produce. Women, on the other hand, tend to prefer the slightly cute, the polka dots, the little pink bows. Never the twain shall meet. So why not junk the whole idea of underwear and suggest he gets you something from Agent Provocateur. Aha! Trick. Because Agent Provocateur do more than saucy knickers. There’s a very sexy perfume made from amber, musk, Morrocan rose oil, amber and Egyptian jasmine; Body Glamour, a super-luxurious body cream, containing tiny light reflecting particles; Bubble Luscious (rich in natural extracts including Slippery Honey. Sometimes I think they make these things up…); six dotey candles (called Seduce, Caress, Flirt, Tease, Strip and Kiss); and my favourite, a little duo called Titillation – a fragrant Lip Pumper and Nipple Refresher.
Next, perfume. Approximately 80 new perfumes are launched every year (Britney Spear’s White Trash, Jennifer Lopez’s Arsey, Christina Aguilera’s Disease.) It’s a veritable minefield for most of us, never mind terrified men, who will just take a heads-down run at a counter and buy the first thing they see. Here’s a couple of tips for them. Arpege from Lanvin is a classic, which has been on the go since 1927, and is currently experiencing a cult revival. It was created by Jeanne Lanvin as a tribute to her daughter Marguerite, who asked for ‘the most beautiful perfume in the world.’ (What was wrong with a My Little Pony?) It’s considered by the ‘noses’ to be one of the Greats (with a capital G), and it really is magnificent - a floral symphony in which over 60 natural oils and essences mix together. Even the bottle is beautiful – a sophisticated art deco sphere.
More daughter involvement in designer Lolita Lempicka’s perfume – her daughter Elisa was responsible for the gold script on the box. This is described as ‘A Fairytale Fragrance’ and I have to say I’m mad about it. The packaging and bottle is Baroque-style and magical (the bottle is dotted with crystals and shaped like a chunky little apple) and the perfume itself is delicious and comforting but not too sweet. There’s also a bath and body collection in antique watering-can style bottles! The whole thing is adorable!
Right, that’s the presents to you dealt with. But you’ve to keep up your end of the bargain. It’s not enough to buy him a red card and write, ‘I love you, you big, narky bastard,’ or whatever your pet name for him is. No.You’ll have to flirt with him, snog him and later, have sex with him. Thems the rules.
To aid and abet you, the ever-excellent Bobbi Brown has a great little lip repair to keep your lips in top snogging condition. A no-nonsense unisex balm, it includes aloe vera, beeswax, petrolatum, has an SPF of 15 and is an absolute MUST at this time of year (the cold wind, as well as Feb 14th.) It works really well under all Bobbi Brown lip colours, so I recommend you follow it with Lip Colour in Rose – a bold rich colour, with deep, matte coverage, which is very much a statement of intent. While the famous and very yummy shimmer brick (in Rose) will bring a natural, I-could-well-be-in-the-mood, pinkish flush to your cheeks (5 different colours, to be used separately or together.)
Get your sexy eyes courtesy of Stila’s Winter Bloom collection. Everyone loves Stila, it’s the cosmetic version of Prozac because it’s always cheery, imaginative and very wearable. Winter Bloom has 2 colourways – Firebloom, an absolutely gorgeous limited edition ‘cosmetic quad’, (means 4 colours) in copper and goldy tones; and Iced Plums which comes in delicious silvers and wines. Add extra sauce with their kajal pencil (comes in MILLIONS of colours) – the softest, creamiest, kindest, nicest kohl pencil I’ve ever tried. Like a butterfly’s kiss, like the caress of a dandelion puff, like a … sorry.
Stila are also doing a collaboration with the English National Ballet for their new production of Sleeping Beauty – they’ve created 3 eye colours in enchanting, ethereal pinks and browns and a pop of blush for ballerina’s cheeks. And they’re available to the likes of us, (ie, those who weigh more than 5 stone,) in the cutest, most adorable palette.
Now, bodycare. The thing is, that if I feel good about my body, I am more likely to be In The Humour. To that end, Clinique – I’m terribly excited about this – as part of their high-tech CX range have brought out a stretch mark cream. Apparently stretch marks form when skin is stretched so rapidly that it ‘tears’ – yikes, a bit gruesome. Then its attempts to repair itself are banjaxed, so we end up with those horrible silvery lines. This wonder-cream is jam-packed with magic stuff to stimulate collagen, elastin and to signal to the skin’s natural structural elements, to form a ‘scaffold,’ to smooth its appearance.
It can be used as a preventative device for pregnant women but can also be used by ordinary, non-pregnant women who just happen to feel wretched about their body. (Like me.)
Right, away we go.