May 2010

Hello!
Sorry!
Cake!

Hello, my dear amigos and multiple apologies for the long, long hiatus. I haven’t been at all well, but in the last few weeks I seem to be – mercifully – on the way back to something resembling myself. I’ve been wary about trusting this improvement because in January I rallied for about a week, only to be plunged back into the horrors.
I don’t exactly know what to say because I still don’t really know what happened to me. The medical profession call it ‘a major depressive episode’ but I’ve been knocked sideways by a multitude of feelings, not just depression but agitation, anxiety, terror, panic, grief, desperation, despair and an almost irresistible desire to be dead and it’s gone on for a very long time. Every day for six solid months I’ve had to try really hard to stay alive. I’ve literally got through each day hour by hour, trying to hang on until the sun set and it was time to close the shutters on the windows and then I’d feel, Okay I’ve survived another day. It was such a horrible winter and it felt like it went on forever, but when the clocks went forward I felt even worse because then there was an extra hour of daylight to last through.
I know I’ll be criticised for saying all this, I know it sounds horribly selfish, when life is such a precious gift and many people desperately want to be alive and are denied it, but honestly, I’ve had no control over it.
Wave after wave of black agony has been rolling up from my gut and bursting in my head and I’ve been powerless to stop it. I’ve heard people describe depression as feeling like they’re living behind glass, of being numb and unable to experience anything, but for me, it has been totally different. It has been like being poisoned, it’s felt like my brain is squirting out terrible, black, toxic chemicals that poison any good thoughts. I’m well aware that I have an enviable life and there are bound to be people who think, “What the hell has she got to be depressed about?” But whatever has been wrong with me isn’t fixable by an attitude shift. Believe me I’ve tried (Mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, gratitude lists…)
Another thing about depression is that you’re supposed to be catatonic, but it hasn’t been that way for me, it’s been the opposite. I’ve been waking way too early, arriving into the day with a terrible jolt and shaking with anxiety. I’ve been so agitated and so desperate to escape how I feel and how I’m thinking that I’ve had very few days when I’ve been unable to get out of bed. Like I say, it’s been the total opposite, I CAN’T stay in bed, it’s far too frightening and instead I’ve been running around like a hamster on a wheel, wildly looking for distraction.
But despite the constant activity, I don’t accomplish anything meaningful at all. The last eight months have been very very unproductive. I haven’t been able to talk to people, at times I’ve quite literally gone mute and I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything. Reading has been impossible because by the time I got to the end of a sentence I’d have forgotten the start. All I’ve been able to do is watch stuff – I don’t know what I’d have done without Come Dine With Me – do you love it? Isn’t it fantastic? And Glee. Also the box sets of True Blood and 30 Rock.

Then around February I suddenly started baking like a complete maniac. It’s Cake 6 something I haven’t done since I was 12, but now I want to do it ALL THE TIME. At times it’s like a compulsion and it transpires that I’m quite good at it. For a while I ate everything I baked Marian making a cake and that was okay for a little bit because I’d lost tons of weight on account of my stomach having shrunk to the size of a walnut and the thought of food making me feel like I was going to puke. But now I’ve richocheted in the opposite direction and I’m the size of a house again, business as usual. It’s such a bummer (pun! Entirely inadvertent! Maybe I haven’t lost it!) because I was proper skinny for a while and too aghast and afraid to be able to appreciate it. Now I’ve taken to making the Cake 1 Cake 2 cakes for others and trying not to eat them Cake 3 Cake 4 Cake 7 myself. Cake 8 Cake 5 Himself has taken photos of most of the cakes and I’ve included some of the pictures here.

The worst thing is that I’m still not able to write. I really miss it but once again, I’m powerless. I just have to wait it out. Actually I’ve just realised that this newsletter is the first thing I’ve written in nearly 8 months. Maybe in a while my brain will stop being full of broken glass and buzzing and I’d be able to manage a column. Although I feel I have so few areas of expertise at the moment, my life has become so small. Perhaps some kindly editor would give me a gig writing about cake. Or suicidal ideation. Or make-up. Oh God be with the days when I had a make-up column! Happy happy times! Oscar
Marian and Oscar Things haven’t been all bad though, some lovely things have happened. Just 2 weeks ago my littlest sister Rita-Anne had her second baby, the beautiful Oscar. And Dylan, her other baby will be two next week and his party is on Saturday and I’m in charge of the cake. And tomorrow my beloved friend AnneMarie is coming with her son lovely Jack (3) to stay for a week. Also in January I traded my car in for a Fiat 500. But not just ANY Fiat 500. No! This is Dylan a very special Fiat 500 because it’s PINK. Yes! PINK! It’s been so weird driving it because I’m in it and I’m feeling so wretched and I’m passing smiling people and I’m wondering, But why are they smiling? And then I realise that it’s because of the pink car!

So that’s all the news my amigos. Perhaps one day we’ll laugh about all of this. I suppose some of it might seem funny once enough time has passed. Like, there was one day – one of the few days actually – when I stayed in bed all day but because I couldn’t be alone with my head, I had to have Sky News, hour after hour. (I swear to God, I’d be lost without Sky News, I don’t know what it is about it, I think I find comfort in the constant repetition) and I was hearing the same stuff every 15 minutes. About how in Denmark some Somali Muslim man had broken into the home of a cartoonist who’d done an offensive cartoon of Allah and how the Somali man had tried to kill the cartoonist. And I’d been agonising all day, wondering how I could kill myself and manage to convince Himself that it was for the best. (Because no matter how often I begged poor Himself to let me die, he wasn’t having any of it.) And suddenly, on the umpteenth go-round of the Somali man news I thought, That’s it! Why don’t I just offend Allah! I’m not too good at drawing but why don’t I just write something! I’ll do it on my website! I’ll be fatwahed before the day is out! I’ll make sure to include my address and directions on how to get here! And then I can be dead and not feel guilty!
But then when I came to it, my brain couldn’t cooperate and I literally couldn’t think of a good enough insult, so the whole project sort of foundered…
But anyway…
Finally and most importantly, I want to thank you from the bottom of my battered heart for the stunning response to what I wrote in January. Your response was absolutely overwhelming and astonishingly loving and so, so, so kind and really, if love alone could have cured me, I’d be skipping around the place, in the whole of my mental health. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It kept me going when very little else was working.
Thank you also for the hundreds of very practical suggestions you offered and here are some of the things I’ve tried over the past months, some of them your ideas and some my own.
Acupuncture
Anti-depressants (Now on my 5th different type.)
Baking
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Cranio-Sacral therapy
Crying until I burst blood vessels in my eye
Doing a daily act of kindness (thinking of the needs of others was meant to stop me thinking about myself, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t.)
Driving people places in a pink car (I so wanted to be useful and helpful but could offer so little.)
Fish Oils
Giving blood
Grazia (the only thing I could read, a lifeline.)
Hill-walking in Wicklow with close friends (Kate brings the sandwiches, I bring the cake, Hilly brings the little bags of snacks, Himself plans the route, Malcolm takes the photos and Mark provides scintillating conversation about recently-released movies.)
Hill walking 1 Hill walking 2 Hill walking 3

Homeopathy
Knitting (thought I’d knit bootees for Rita-Anne’s new baby but was in way over my head with circular needles and other complications, so in the end knitted several pointless little scarfs for non-existent kittens.)
Mindfulness and meditation (couldn’t hack it, couldn’t stay in my own head.)
Praying (I’ve even started going to the monthly Padre Pio mass in Monkstown with my mother and my sis-in-law Susie D. I’ve always described myself as a COL-lapsed Catholic and look at me now, it just shows what desperation does to people. My handbag is now full of miraculous medals, Padre Pio relics, green scapulars, mass cards and small bottles of holy water. Also crystals, little angels, affirmations, Buddhist prayers, shiny little stones and countless other pieces of new-agey stuff.)
Psychotherapy. (An utter godsend, I have a really great therapist who I trust completely.)
Reiki
Tom Dunne on Newstalk (Did anyone hear him talking about the Eurovision? Oh my God, so funny.)
Vitamins B, C and D
Yoga (again couldn’t hack it, couldn’t stay with my own poisoned thoughts.)

There’s probably tons more stuff, if I think of any I’ll let you know. So I’ll stay in touch my amigos. Hopefully this onward progress will continue and at some stage I’ll be back to my old self.
I hope you’re all well and if you’re not – and some of you may not be, one of the things I’ve learnt is that this sort of headspace is far more widespread than is openly acknowledged, so many of us are hanging on, almost overwhelmed with desperation and feeling like it’s our fault, that what’s wrong with us is just self-pity or negative thinking or innate defectiveness when in fact it’s a terrible illness. (It’s how I feel. I’m so aware of our dreadful economic hardships and how they’re impacting on all of us and the fact that I’ve a roof over my head and a pink car make me feel like I’ve no right to feel anything less than blessed. And yet.)
So if you’re in a very dark place, my TOTAL and empathetic commiserations to you. Truly. I beg of you to just hang on. Watch Come Dine With Me, eat cake, play with babies, go to the doctor, talk to your friends, eat more cake, ask VERY LITTLE OF YOURSELF. Just get through the next hour. There were times when it was reduced to that for me. I’d think, I’ll watch an episode of Come Dine With Me and when I’m on the far side of it, I’ll be half-an-hour further along.
Thank you again for all the love. I love you too
Marian

Comments

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Hi Marian. I suppose I am not your typical Marian Keyes reader as I am male, but hunting around for something to read, I found my wife's Under the Duvet and I haven't stopped laughing since. Can't wait to get my hands on the follow-up. So the long and short of it, I hope you feel better soon as you rock and then you are sexy too. Kind regards from South Africa

Posted by Poirot on 27/09/2010

Marian, as a wise woman once said to me, 'just keep swimming'. I keep checking back to see if you are feeling well again. Ive also been locked in the crippling horrors, and found a way out. It can get better, Im thinking of you and wish you well. xxx

Posted by chelle on 26/09/2010

Dear amiga, i really hope you are feeling better. Just wanna give you a huge hug and say that you are F***ing AMAZING! Things WILL be better, of course they will. There´s no hapinness that last forever, and there´s no sadness that last forever! So stay strong, and before you noted, all this will be gone.

Posted by CR on 24/09/2010

Hi Marian, been checking your website every now and then to see how you are, I truly hope things are getting better for you. I've recently had a 'Marianathon' of your books to cheer myself up through my own little dark patch, so I would just think to say thanks. Take care and really hope to hear how you are doing soon- Sarah

Posted by Scassidy5 on 23/09/2010

Missing you, Marian. Hope the horrors are being kept at bay. Keep chucking those cakes at 'em! Thinking of you, as I'm sure all your fans are, and on a slightly flippant note, new series of Strictly is on its way ...
Cxx

Posted by devonshire dumpling on 22/09/2010

I just wanted to tell you that you are amazing. I know is hard dealing depresion, I know is damn hard but to be selfish I want you to stay well because YOU made me feel alive again with your incredible "Rachel's Holliday". The emotions I had forgetten for a long, long time were back on. I love your work and please stay well because you are an angel! I wish you all the best! And it is an honour to write these words for you... Please tell them that the best Luke is Gerard Butler...

Posted by MichelleForever on 17/09/2010

Depression is a proper illness and all you can do is not put pressure on yourself and just keep on trying to get through each day. You should give bananas a try, they are full of lovely things that help you to produce seratonin which should help (a bit) to make you feel better - kind of like natural anti-depressants. I'd also recommend sunshine...
I'd just like to say thank you for all your books. I read Watermelon first and then Angels. I hadn't noticed they were by the same author, but of course I recognised the characters. Since then (around 2004) I have read all your books and so look forward to each new release. I have to limit myself to only reading each book twice a year! You are a fantastic author and I'd never read anything like your books before. Thanks again for sharing them with us and I really hope you carry on getting better xxx

Posted by lozstar9 on 17/09/2010

Dear Marian, I'm delighted to see you feeling better again! I also wanted to tell you that I read your last book "The brightest star in the sky" in 2 days and that it was hilarious to see you name my hometown Nantes in it!!! How come you put it there? I hope it was not because you really think it to be a boring lezzery town that only Hortenses would go to! ;-P Just thank you for having - once again! - made me feel great and this time by putting my lovely hometown in one of your wonderful my-life-and-mood-saving books!!! Keep your head up! Merci et bon courage! Tiphaine

Posted by Tiphaine on 14/09/2010

So glad to hear you're feeling better, and just wanted you to know that your writing kept me going through my own dark patch. Look after yourself, the cakes look yummy

Posted by Smelly on 13/09/2010

Hello Marian! Zuzette writing from little Stockholm, Sweden! I hope that you are now free from your "demons". I wish the absolute best for you and your loved ones! Zuzette/ a great fan

Posted by Zuzette on 09/09/2010

Hi Marian, I was deeply touched by your story because I went through a similarly difficult time which ended a year ago (lasted a few years for me) and I know how tough and hopeless it feels. Life truly had no meaning for me, I couldn't sleep, couldn't read like you described forgot the beginning at the end of sentence, I was deeply unhappy, and felt empty inside. Luckily though, I have found a solution. The trick is not to run away from your thoughts and feelings (which may be instinctual, because they hurt so much) but to listen to them, because they are trying to tell you something. What helped me, was getting a good, experienced therapist (developmental and analytical psychology worked for me, not cognitive-behavioural because the latter only tries to change behaviour, not the underlying emotional causes), with whom I developed a close relationship, where I was able to finally open up and admit to some of the feelings I have been trying to hide (from me and others). I was very scared in the beginning of the process - about what I would find in myself - but the world miraculously did not collapse, it was actually a great relief to find that my feelings are completely normal and my depression lifted. I stopped taking antidepressants last winter (they made me gain weight) and still get depressed from time to time, as I still try to stuff the feelings I was brought up to think are undesirable, but as soon as I let them out, the depression instantly goes away. It is not easy, and for me it lasted a year or so before I got close enough to the therapist to allow some of the 'ugly' feelings to surface. But then it got easier and I am so thankful that my life has some meaning again and that I don't need any pills to function normally, I hated that. I firmly believe that depression is actually good, because it signals that something is off in your life, that you are unhappy about something, even though you 'think' you should be happy. I quit my job which was supposedly the pinnacle of my career and now earn a lot less but am a lot happier. So I guess material stuff doesn't always equal happiness. Best wishes for your recovery, however which way you find it :) And BTW, I am a huge fan of your books :)

Posted by natale on 08/09/2010

Glad you're starting to feel better Marian.Just started reading your novels this summer and so far have enjoyed Sushi and Anyone Out There. Depression is very tough and unfortunately there is no recipe for success when it comes to treating it. I work in the mental health area and know that 'being there and 'sitting in the dark with you', containing the feelings 'in the room' patience and empathy seem to work well for people. It sounds like you've found a good psychotherapist who can 'sit in the dark with you'. Good luck with the work,
Bermo

Posted by bermo on 29/08/2010

Hi my dear Marian,
I'm a French girl and I bought This charming man last October, while I was looking for some books at the FNAC in Paris to improve my English. I didn't know anything about you when I did, but then I read it, loved it, and I'm very happy (and proud !) to say that 2 weeks ago I've just finished your last book. Saying last, I mean that I've bought and read all of them, even the littlest one ( no dress rehearsal, very hard to find but I managed ! ), and even Under the duvet and further under the duvet (then I also started to read Cracks in my foundation, but I found out it was the same !). So, as you can see, it took me about 10 months, but I've read them all. And loved them all. And I think I improved a bit my English (and learnt some delicious Irish words ) in a very pleasant way! Now I can't wait for going in Ireland (I've written down that great SPA adress, and I want to see Dublin (and few things between them). Also, I'm dreaming to write a book like you, it's been a dream since a long time already, but you made it more real, and I'm very grateful about that! Now I just have to start !
I hope your depression is decreasing now, and that you will be able to be happy again soon. I won't demand for a new book (even if I actually have finished all of them, remember? And even if I'm also developing a MKWS (Marian Keyes Withdrawal Syndrom)...
But of course, if you feel like to, then I'll be very happy (and not only me, I guess !!).
But take care of yourself, and forgive that fecking old brat of me who stole your time, if you read me till here !!!
Bisous xxx

Posted by Joelle on 28/08/2010

Marian - I'm so glad you are getting a little better and I hope you return to your glorious former self before too long. I've read all your books and related to all of them, but I never thought how you would know about everything you write about... I just assumed you, like, emailed depressed people and made them tell you everything there was to know. I'm not the sharpest tool. But anyway, I've been thinking - you could try voluntary work for a couple of hours a day or a week - just mundane things, like photocopying or shredding for a charity. Folding letters into envelopes. You get to hear the gossip in the office and you feel useful but not pressured and work with understanding people who usually are good at making cups of tea.

If not that - why not make a website about make-up! Just for pleasure. You'd have to try all the make-up products out before you wrote about them, obviously... = shopping spree :D But you wouldn't have to actually publish the website. It just might get you back into the frame of writing without you having to work to a deadline?

Also, isn't one of your books being turned into a film next year? How exciting!

Have you also pledged against the stigma of mental health? It's run by Time to Change, supported by Mind...

Anyway, take care of yourself, don't rush yourself, if you ever end up making too many cakes, send them to me...

Posted by BeckyM on 27/08/2010

Marian I think you're amazing. In the words of a quote you posted in January: "This too shall pass". It's been a source of comfort for me when I've had my own dark periods.

You are a fabulous woman and have brought relief and enjoyment to me through your books (and no doubt for may others).

Stay strong.

Emma xx

Posted by emmagination on 27/08/2010

I've just found this site and your newsletter and hope you're still moving away from the edge of the bottomless pit. So much of what has been said on this page resonates; it's like going through a checklist, ticking the 'yes' box as I go. My suggestion of the day is 'audiobooks'. I recently found out on that a lot of your books can be listened to as well as read. As I can't concentrate on reading books (see above checklist!), I've been getting the audio kind to reread (read again by means of listening...). Thank you for writing them in the first place and to the narrators who read them beautifully.

I wish you contentment and equilibrium. Now, where did I leave my bag of fairy dust...?

Posted by MayaBee on 26/08/2010

Hello Marian, I think you are so sweet to share your condition with others. I am one of your readers that actually think you have been peeping inside my brain and snatched parts of my life and presented them into amazing books!!! I also know that flattering and good advises are as helpful as peptalk is for anaemia. You'll find a way that works for you. I did!
All the best to you!!! Isse

Posted by e124136 on 24/08/2010

Dear Marian, Have just logged on to your site for the first time and am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope that you are getting to a brighter place now. YOur books are fantastic - I've read the lot and you are one of only a few authors I'll spend my pennies to buy in hardback!! I keep looking to see if you are lurking, convincing yourself that people are buying your books but alas I've never spotted you :) As has been said elsewhere on this thread if love was a cure you'd be made well from the contacts here. Your honest writing in Under the Duvet and futher under really helped me to accept that I could not drink anymore and i'm now four months clean. You were right, the sun does shine eventually, you do fall back in love with people after time...as you know each day is a struggle but i'm holding on. Please do the samexx
I'm off to get the baking tins out. Inspired by Ms. Keyes yet again!! Lots of love and thoughts.Ann Marie

Posted by Ann Marie on 23/08/2010

Hi Marian,

How are you ? I do hope you are getting better.

That was very bad news to hear about your problems in the spring, I wanted to write to you since I heared about this but I couldn't find time until now.

Well Marian, first of all I wanted to give you a very simple but effective advice to fight depression, enjoy the SUN ! I remember in one of your columns you were wondering why Ireland was suffering from such a hight rate of depressions and suicides ? The answer is simple, there is not enough of sun !

So Marian, I recommend you one very simple thing, at the end of September when the fall will come in Ireland with its clouds, rain showerss and long nights, just do like those migrating birds... Move to the south !! Where the sun is still there... I suggest the south of France, Barcelona, Tuscany, all are fantastic places...

Then return in Ireland for Xmas with the family, and at the end of January, return to the sun until April !! Beleave me this is very effective !

Apart from this modest advice (that I haven't seen already in the comment thread) this is also for me an opportunity to tell you how much I LOVE your books, your characters, your stories !! Some of them are very good... and some of them are just master pieces !! I have all of them and love all of them !

You might be surprised to read this coming from a french guy in the mid of the 40's, married with three teenagers, but the thing is that I'am very romantic.

I though to it, and I think what I love most in your books, apart from the fun, the characters, their adventures, the great story telling, the 'sexy' moments, the 'irish' touch and etc... is that at the end they are so full of LOVE and may be most important so full of HOPE... As many others said already, when I feel a little bit depressed reading one of your book is a cure, that I savor not reading to fast and making the book last a week or two.

Well Marian, I was also wondering about the root cause of your depression ? I think may be one reason is that you put to much pressure on you to write new books, trying to make them better than the previous ones, matching deadlines, facing critics and nasty comments possibly in some cases.. Well on this I want you to be very confortable, we all are fans, you gave us so much already, that you should not put pressure on you... We will always be there, and support you !!

So Marian, keep in mind that there is LOVE and there is HOPE, whatever happens in life, and all your fans are supporting you !

Love
Emmanuel

Posted by EmmanuelM on 20/08/2010

I lost my great love to depression. And nothing I could do would help. Marian thanks for being there for me at the time, for helping me pull through with laughter and tears. Please take care of yourself. Take your time, time comes droppin' slow.

Posted by Emer on 19/08/2010

So good to think you are feeling better. Have been though similiar experiences and your books have helped me so much. I can always manage to laugh when reading them. Personally, I did find thinking about mindfulness helpful, just got some distance from things. Hope to hear from you soon as you are mised. Kind wishes

Posted by shifty on 17/08/2010

Hi Marian, I'm so sorry to hear what your going through. It sounds terrible. I've just finished " The Brightest Star In The Sky ".....my god Marian, you sure can write! I was blown away with it. I've also read " Anybody Out There " and I thought it would be impossible to beat it's high standards. But, you did it. " The Brightest Star In The Sky " is officially my favourite book. I'm thinking about getting every single one of your books...I'd probably become a recluse reading them all. Take care and I really hope you get better soon.

Brogan x

Posted by Brogan on 16/08/2010

Hi Marian...a privilege to talk to you....I have been touched by your books for years and even read Under the Duvet and found it wildly diverting. I have recently been going through bad times myself and have woken up in panic, lost weight etc...It's good to know we're not alone in this.... I think back to when I was in my 20's and I was fearless....Not so now....The other night I took The Brightest Star in the Sky out of my bookcase for another read....Spent yesterday lying in the sun and escaping to wherever it is your books take me....Mammy Walsh is a big favourite with me, by the way....I also love the total lack of pretentiousness in your books - I am Australian but have Irish heritage (my grandmother was a Kinsella) and some of the sayings you come out with take me back to my mum, who now has Alzheimers and is for all intents and purposes lost to me....Thank you for all your books .... As I said, they really do take me to a happy place and make me laugh out loud! Just one more thing - the way you wrote about Lydia's mother's dementia - Just amazing how close to reality it all was about actually getting a diagnosis and all the denial that goes on.....

Posted by Zacheus on 16/08/2010

Dearest Marian,

I've been going through a somewhat similar episode, getting through each hour, looking forward to the time when I can crawl into bed and escape with your latest book. It's the highlight of my day.

I hope you emerge quickly from this dark tunnel, and shake off the tentacles of this insidious monster.

Until then, please know there are people who wish you only the best, and who are grateful you've shared a part of your lovely self with them.

Posted by olirom on 14/08/2010

Hi Marian, i hope you are feeling better. In my very creative mind you are the picture of health and spending your summer holidays in a nice spa, having massarges and facials and other equally lovely things done to you! i just wanted to tell you that you have inspired me so much with your amaizing books that i am attempting to write a novel myself. It's rubbish, i have nothing even remotely close to your talent, but it's fun to do and when i've had an awful day, and would quite like to crawl in to my bed and never surface again,i don't swallow those highly tempting tablets. i write in my book [ i can't afford a lap top just yet so i'm writing it old style at the moment! ] and i feel much better and perhaps i might last another day after all. thank you for everything you have done for me though you don't realise it you have done an awful lot for this random stranger. hope this makes you see what a fantastic role model you are and raises your spirits slightly. lots of love and gratitude jodie xxx

Posted by jodie on 13/08/2010

Hello Marian..what an emotional read. Forgive me for being so 'assuming' but i never thought blogging about depression could be so emotive and tap into my senses as that did. Your baking looks amazing. Your books are amazing. I never thought i would read a 'marian keyes' (the genre is not normally my favourite) but a uni pal had 'the other side of the story' so while she curled my hair i picked it up for a quick glance. It stayed in my room for a year, i then picked it up again and commenced from where i left off (chapter 2). Then naturally had to go to Waterstones and buy all of your books at once!
Anyway, thoughts are with you. Much love xx

Posted by Shanie_uk on 11/08/2010

God bless you and keep you dearheart. I suffer from depression to, it's a horrible disease, although mine is kept under control by medication. I have loved your books since I was 15 (now 29) and have introduced them to so many of my friends who love them too! Remember that no matter how much you think the world would be better off without you himself and your family would be devestated without you. And I do the baking thing too! Though mine don't look as nice... I love peanut paste chocchip biccies. I'm thinking and praying for you (don't care if you're collapsed) and sending you so much love. Can't wait to read some more from you when you're feeling stronger.

Posted by JosieY on 11/08/2010

People say Life is for Living and we should try to make the best of every day but when you are depressed these type of thoughts don't mean anything. The way through is the way you will find it through your self. Wishing you all the best of luck, you are on the road to recovery and writting ...... you wrote your newsletter. Small steps, step at a time, before you know it you will be at the top of the stairs! Good luck your books are brilliant we need more.

Posted by suejo on 10/08/2010

Hi Marian, hope you are feeling better. I've heard that growing plants can help also-especially low maintenance ones. they can be a lovely addition to ones home also.

Posted by savah on 09/08/2010

Delighted to hear you are starting to feel better! :)
Your writing is so honest, you are an inspiration to us all. Look after yourself x

Posted by Coral on 08/08/2010

Dear Marian, I am one of those people you refer to in your newsletter, somebody about to lose everything I ever worked for because of the current financial and economic climate. However, I am also the sister of a man who has suffered with terrible mental illness for over 25 years and a few weeks ago I was standing over his bed in the hospital intensive care unit after he had attempted suicide and so I know that his and your pain are a world away from my own troubled times. The doctors saved my brother's life and he has another chance to keep on fighting his life long battle. I wish you both strength and hope and happier days. God bless. Susie

Posted by susieR on 04/08/2010

I am a huge fan of your books and also suffer from depression. I just wanted to let you know how amazing I think it is that you speak so freely about your depression. So many of us do struggle with it and yet it's still so socially unacceptable. Thank you for being honest, upfront, and so very brave. It inspires us to be brave,too.

Posted by Kimily on 01/08/2010

Marvelous Marian! Like the 1st person on this comment string, I Googled your name just now to see if you might be coming to Toronto or Montreal on speaking tour any time soon. I've just read this blog entry and am very moved by it. You are so honest and have so much to teach the world! I am going to send this blog entry and a link to your site to all my friends who have been reading your books along with me and also to my friends and family who suffer from Depression. I'm at a loss as to what to say and "get well soon" doesn't seem like enough somehow... Maybe I can boost you up a bit with a little "fan mail" comment (which is probably identical to a billion others you've read over the years, but, well, I guess I'm not terribly original and that's why I'm not a fantastic writer like you!). Here goes :

I'm in my mid-(ack!)30s and discovered your books about 2 years ago. Since then, I've have been reading them the way one eats a really amazing box of chocolates: wanting to eat it all up at once and also trying to slow down a bit to make the yumminess last as long as possible! I only have 2.5 books left until I'll be sitting around wondering what to read next! Thanks SO MUCH for your work! Your books are such HUGE contributions to the world on so many levels and, well, in case love could cure you, here's a whole pile more from me to you!

Love,

Simone :0)

Posted by Dida Simone on 30/07/2010

Dear Marian!

Just some words to add myself to the VERY long list of supporters and fans. Although I only know too well what optimistic remarks and well-meaning pats on the back can feel like when you’re truly depressed (that is: water on goose), I also know that once you start to see a small flicker of light in the distance, this supporting behaviour (such as this huge amount of letters from your fans) starts to seep in. Then it’s vital to open your mind fully to it and NEVER, EVER second guess what these people tell you. Of course, it’s not possible for you, in your hectic and busy life, to read through all your fan mail every day. But, I would suggest that you (if you’re on the mend, but still feeling a bit fragile) at least scroll through it every day to just get the impression of this massive bunch of supporting and caring words. They have been written from all over the world, just because people truly care about you and because they understand.

Many of us have even been in a very similar stat of mind; one day wanting to top yourself or crying your heart out because you’ve seen this element in the News about some poor 93-year-old man crying out of loneliness, because some stupid government doesn’t “want to” afford to let him stay with his wife for 70 years in a nursing home and he is so, so, so lonely, and you feel that what the fe.. are you whining about when somebody else is in a worse state? The next day, you start crying because you love your family so, so much and why are you worrying them by being depressed? Why can’t you just stop? And that again, only enhance your feeling of contempt and self loathing, because you’re not able to do anything about it. Downward the spiral goes. Being a worried, perfectionist and sensitive Virgo (Yes! Born on the 2nd of September!) can be quite a challenge for one’s mental health, but it’s worth putting on a different pair of glasses ever so often and see these “challenges” in a new light.

When you have such a wide spectrum of feelings, it also allows you to feel positive emotions in a stronger manner than people who experience life and feelings in a more distanced and even way. They will never be able to truly understand excitement over true love, the overwhelming happiness and tenderness you feel when you look at your own child or a child in your near family (I don’t have any kids myself (yet), but absolutely adore my twin nephews of 7. Would do anything for them.), and they will never quite get the same buzz when leaving for a brand new holiday destination. Of course, they will never get into a state of complete and mind numbing depression either, but I still think WE got the longer straw. At least I can say that now when I find myself in a relatively even and rational state of mind. Talk to me tomorrow, and maybe you’ll find me in my familiar, dark hole where no light gets in;-) No, you won’t actually. Not anymore. Had it been two years ago when I still worked as a bloody dentist (No offense to other dentists, but thank God! that I don’t do that anymore!), and I still hadn’t found the “Man of my dreams”, it could well have been like that, though.

I wouldn’t dream of saying that I know exactly what you’re going (or, hopefully, have gone) through, but I believe I can relate to a lot. Having suffered from depression on and off since I was around 10, having seen several therapists and also having taken antidepressants for several years (done with those now.), I think I can at least join the chorus of understanding fans. The “man of my dream”who have a fantastic gift of putting things into perspective, always stresses the importance of accepting myself the way I am, with “faults” and everything, and I now believe that it’s the best way to come to piece with myself. Maybe something to think about? Of course, it’s easier said than done, but our own, depressive, selfdestructive recipe for life hasn’t really paid off, has it? Perhaps it’s time to try something new? It’s because of your hard earned emotional experiences and sensitive personality as well as your fantastic talent with words and humour, that you’re able to write all these lifechanging books, not despite of it.

Thank you, Marian, for all your wonderful books, for sharing these troubled times with all of us and for just being you. You’re perfect the way you are.

Lots of love,
Christine (Norway)

Posted by chri-en on 29/07/2010

I feel like a goldfish, staring at the computer screen with my mouth gobbing open and shut periodically. I had just finished re-reading every book I owned, watching re-runs of every tv show I ever loved, and watching any useless thing I could on youtube in order to get my mind off the crushing black panic, the poisonous cloud creeping outwards in my psyche, and thought, "God, if only Marian Keyes had another book coming out - I could laugh myself sick and feel better."

The strange thing is, despite the fact that there's no book, I do feel a little better. I always felt if I could approach life with a tenth of the humour in your books, I would do better. When I read this - "so many of us are hanging on, almost overwhelmed with desperation and feeling like it’s our fault, that what’s wrong with us is just self-pity or negative thinking or innate defectiveness when in fact it’s a terrible illness" - it suddenly felt a little less isolated out here on this limb (clinging desperately to sanity, lol).

Thank you for taking the time to share, for having the courage, and for being empathetic at such a time. I hope that, at least sometimes, you feel like you are not alone in this, too.

Posted by jcrombie on 27/07/2010

Hey Marian

Mahoosive congratulations on getting through such a horrendous time. I too have been through a hideous experience like you and thought that it would never end.

Like many others here I have thought of you many times and have checked back on your website every so often to see if there was a new post saying you were on the mend - and now you are - yay!!

I have loved every single one of your books and eagerly await the many more that you undoubtably write in the future when you feel up to it.

Big love and hugs to you.

Ceri
xxxx

Posted by Ceri123 on 24/07/2010

Hi Marian,
I have just picked up 'Watermelon' to read for about the tenth time and thought I would find your website and see if you had any other books lined up. I am really sorry to read that you have been feeling poorly.

I think it takes real bravery and courage for you to write what you have been going through on your website. I know people must be reading the newsletter and wondering how someone who seems to have the most amazing sense of humour could possibly feel depressed. I have a friend who is one of the funniest, most put together people I know and she suffered with depression and really severe paranoia for about a year. It can happen to anyone. She got better and is now back to being her usual wonderful self which shows that it can be beaten.
I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and I know how scary those are so I can't even imagine how you must have felt every day, it must be very difficult.

You are an amzing writer, my favourite by far. I always pick up one of your books when Im feeling down and although I have read all of them several times they still make me laugh and you are the author I reccommend to all my friends!

Have you tried a holiday somewhere hot? Worked a treat for me a few weeks ago ;)

Take care
Leigh x

Posted by Leigh on 22/07/2010

ah, I was about to forget... the cakes are splendid!!! :) clelia

Posted by Venturelli on 21/07/2010

Dear, dear Marian, I write form Italy, I live in Modena, that is near Maranello... have you ever thought of a pink Ferrari car??? :) I once saw a truck LOADED with PINK FIAT 500s and I cried out: who's going to buy one, EVER??!?!!? see? sometimes you just have the answers to your strangest questions unexpectedly... So now I think of you, driving that car of yours around Dublin, and it makes me smiling. :) I had problems with my email and I saw your newsletter right now! You can't imagine how many times I thought about you, wondering how were you going, and praying you would be better... anyway, sometimes I feel my life is blessed, and I mustn't feel bad for anything, since many people don't have what I have... so I understand the way you feel, but please, please, try to accept what you have and what you are... you are not guilty of anything, of your feelings and your depression... and i also think you've always done very well, because you tried to cope with the shades in your life with your writing... uhm, this topic is getting way too difficult to be dealt with in english, so I'll stop! :) ...I don't understand what I'm writing myself... hope to hear from you soon, lots of love and kisses. You are a beautiful person, and not a superhero, so don'expect too much from yourself (if it was easy...) Love, love, love, Clelia

Posted by Venturelli on 21/07/2010

I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better. Don't push yourself too hard; I've suffered from depression myself and sometimes you just have to remind yourself how far you have come. I was thinking of you too. All the best.

Posted by Butterflywings on 21/07/2010

Marion, you have been such an inspiration to me over the years. I have read all of your books- shared them with my Mum, sisters and friends. My favorite saying is that "we would be best friends if you knew me". I cried my heart out when I read your lastest blog- and I really hope you get through this terrible time. I know there is no cure or quick fix for depression, and if love could fix it, well you would be healled 10 times over, as surely you know you are loved by so many. Thank you for giving some much of your self to so many people. Dont be too hard on your self - you are the most important person in your world! Take care and remeber to smile!

Posted by Tania on 21/07/2010

Hi Marian!
Lots of love and memories of Spain!
Your smile and be happy because we are here in this world to enjoy. And life has beautiful things.
A faithful follower of yours! Many kisses beautiful!
Tony "Himself" a greeting

Posted by Quarvaltell on 20/07/2010

Marian,
I am really glad to know that you are getting better. I read already 3 of your books, yes, soo less, but I can tell that I am completely in love :)
The way that you write...I simply jump inside your books and live the stories with the characters. Something funny was happening to me. I discovery that I get a little desperate when I am finishing one of your books and I have not a next one to read. One day I was at the train station in Innsbruck where I work, waiting for a train and reading the last pages of Sushi for Beginners, when I got a little crazy and almosty missing my train I got inside a book store to look for a new book. Then I bought This Charming Man. By the way, I finished it right now, some hour ago, also inside a train, driving to my work.
I came from Brazil and I live in Germany with my husband. He is german and I left all behind in Brazil to live with him here. Not that I had I bad life in Brazil and used this man to change and get better opportunities as lots of girls does. Nothing against those girls, but I am just not like that. I love him and I just thought that everything could be fine when we have love. But at the end was not so easy. I have a good life with him, I have my career as scientist goin on here in Innsbruck - Autria (I live at the border between Germany and Austria) but I miss my family in Brazil a lot. I miss my friends there. Such interesting people that I left behind. such interesting people that I find in your books. Like Lola from This Charming Man. Crazy, stilist...I loved her style. When you describe your depression at this las newsletter from May, I recognize me a little. I have no depression, but I know that I am a good candidate for. I try lots of things like pilates, sports and positive thoughts but I know that sometimes is difficult. But not impossible. This life is really wonderful and we should really not think to give up. Never!!!
We all readers love you Marian, and we need to have your delightfull books in our lifes. Please, it is not a pushing, I know that everyone needs time for everything!!!
I just wnat to tell that you are great and such important writer. Keep going. I loved your cakes. Its a pit that I am not your neighbour to ask for a peace :-P , they look really good!!!
So, let me go back to my work now. I must to take a deep breath, forget all pain and talk about bacteria and orthopedie (that what I am working with)!!!
Have a wonderful time and tahnks a lot for the pleasant time with your books.
All the best
Débora
P.S.: My next Marian Keyes adventure will be Watermelon. I am already thirsty for it!!!!!

Posted by deborahuber on 20/07/2010

Marian, I feel so horrible just having read your January piece and not writing sooner...Also, I just read your May piece and I cant tell you how nice it is to hear you smiling in your writing (or atleast trying to through it all). It's nice to hear your feeling somewhat better and I gotta tell you it trully brought tears lots of them to see those beautiful pictures that hubby took of your baking, that was really very sweet...he loves you so much...I cant bake worth poop! everything ends up floppy and just not very attractive ha! Anyway, the picture of you holding the baby made me cry and the pictures of you and friends enjoying a good walk- what beautiful life photo's, really memorable.
I just really wanted to share with you how gorgeous your books are and how I have them all and how they take me places when I read them, you have a wonderful gift and are here for a reason, more that one I'm sure, not only have you helped millions with your books but sharing and being open about your depression...it all leave's a mark on people, your a good egg..=) Please dont ever forget it..in the darkest days always remember that.
You only have to read your column to see that even when you are struggling your still too kind to only focus on your self and being able to purge your thoughts and feelings -you mention that you know people are going through this and that and you should be so lucky...you dont have to write any of that Marian...it is what it is...your a very sensitive, gentle, kind and considerate person...I wish I could help, I really do. Do what you need to, for how ever long it takes...its no ones bussines but your own, no one you need to answear to...maybe its all part of the journey were meant to take.

Take the very best care of yourself, sending you my wishes, squeezes and kisses!
Inga-

Posted by Niunia on 19/07/2010

Hello Marian,

Was just thinking about you, wondering how you're feeling. I'm sending all my very best cozy, happy, snuggle thoughts your way.

xo
Emily

Posted by emily14 on 19/07/2010

Marian, I don't have any words of wisdom for you; but I can say that I know how you feel. It's hard to quantify it into words, but I know what you're going through. I've suffered from depression on and off throughout my adult life. I too go through periods where the thought of speaking to another is too much to take. I'm really glad that Himself has been so patient and supportive for you. He sounds like a really wonderful man. Please just know that you are an absolute gem of a person. I know that we don't know each other, but I've loved your humor and writings ever since I picked up my first Marian Keyes book (Rachel's Holiday) over ten years ago. Please stick around awhile. The world is a nicer place with you in it. You bring joy to a lot of people, and Himself and your family and friends need you.

Posted by stephanie on 19/07/2010

I strongly believe that what is happening right here is a major "response" to depression. Both Marian's writing and the many responses to her piece show that globally we are not prepared to continue to hide depression away, we are not prepared to accept valium and stay quiet. I have experienced depression since I was about 8 (I'm 43 now) and haver had some completely bleak black times, and some blissful sunny ones, but mostly I soldier through a degree of brownness. I have 3 darling children, who bring much pleasure, but also episodes of postnatal depression on top of my usual levels. There are days when I feel less good as a mother when I just can't be available for them in any way. Thier Dadda too, suffers a deep depression - post traumatic stress, since my middle son was 6 months - he's now 6 years. Yet, we muddle along as a family. The kids know they are loved. They know that both their Mumma and Dadda are unwell. And they know when either (or both) parents are in despair, that they can come for a cuddle with a favorite story read to them. Sometimes it is the tiny things. Sometimes all I can do is sew name tags on their clothes, sometimes all I can make is spag bol, but they know they are loved. I know I am loved, and we all know that being open and honest about our illness is the best thing we can can do. And I applaud Marian for writing about her depression and also for writing fiction in which depressed people can and do experience joy. Bright blessings all!

Posted by mammaroberts on 18/07/2010

so glad to hear from you again, darling girl...you're in our prayers and thoughts as we re-read your books

Posted by caffeine-katie on 16/07/2010

Hi,
Just wanted to say thank-you. I've just finished reading 'Brightest Star' following the birth of my son and you made me cry! I've been struggling to bond with him, but after reading it I had to go and give him a cuddle - I now feel much closer to him. Good luck with your battle, you mean so much to so many. I also like the look of your cakes! Rachel xx

Posted by Redstararnie on 14/07/2010

Hi Marian, I'm so glad you are starting to feel better. I think about you a lot and wonder how you are going, I have read and reread your books so many times and was googling you when I found this and saw you had depression, I was suprised as your books are totally hilarious and uplifting (even when the topic is sad).

I'm glad your winter is over and hopefully the sunshine is making you feel a little better, winter is never good when you are down.

Remain strong and as everything does this will pass.

By the way the cakes look great!

Posted by Lauren on 14/07/2010

Oh your newsletter makes me think you are back! When I am in this type of thing I wonder how it could ever be different, and then slowly I come creeping back into life and I am mystified as to how it could have been so bad. And I think mine is just nothing compared to your heartache. I hope, given you wrote your update a month or so ago now, you've creeped right back in to life too. My thoughts and love are with you.

Mmm, I tried that mindfulness thing too. I'm not sure I quite got it...

Know that you are loved, I feel as if you've been in my life since I read Lucy Sullivan 13 years ago.

Angela

Posted by Ange on 14/07/2010

You seem such a lovely person, I used to watch you on Strictly it takes 2 with Cludia and loved your humour, so I started to read your books and love them,please get really well soon.

Posted by sheila.p on 13/07/2010

Hi Marian
I came to you not through your books, but through my own God awful depression, I was Googlin depression and your newsletter came up. I'm not going to go on about me I just wanted to let you know of a book I'm reading is called "Beyond Blue by Therese Borchard" she was suicidal for 2 solid years! there is humor in it alos, I highly recommend it....and also a saying I read the other day that say " when you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" and "the only way out is through"
Thanks
Elliot

Posted by elliot on 13/07/2010

Hiya Marian..

Am so gald to see you're feeling better... It breaks my heart to hear of you like this, as your books have gotten me through some very tough times, and I just wish I could help you in some way!
Depression runs in my family.. and if there's one thing I have learned, is that you just have to keep telling yourself that this isnt your fault, its not who you are.. its an illness thats happening to you..and the fabulous, wonderful you is still there.. nothing could take that away from you, even though its hard to see that sometimes! Even your newsletter is proof that the Marian we all know and love is here, and your wonderful spirit shines through! This will not beat you!
You're an inspiration to millions.. never forget that you are loved and very soon you WILL be on the other side of this.

You're in my thoughts.. Lots of Love.. Karen
xxxxx

Posted by Kareng23 on 09/07/2010

Hi Marian. I am so sorry to hear that you've been having a bad time of it. I hope you are feeling better now that it is July & summer over there (in New Zealand we've just hit winter & I've just hit a slump). You are an amazing person, & I know your resilience will help you get through this. Your cakes look yummy! I bake a lot too, & it always helps me feel a bit better. I have always felt very drawn to you. My mother's name is Marian & our last name is Walsh - just like Anna et al.! I read Anybody Out There like it is a Bible. Your words have helped me process a million different emotions. I hope something out there gives you the strength your books have often given me!
Best wishes x

Posted by Heathersaurus on 07/07/2010

Look after yourself and know that there is much love being sent your way.
You are helping many by sharing your experience of this black time.
I have a theory, only the sane suffer from depression, its the mad ones that skip through modern life unaffected by it.

Posted by Cee on 07/07/2010

Very, very glad to see you 'back'. I've a friend who's going along a very similar path to you and some of the things I've tried to do to help her are on your list! So I hope that's what I have been, a helper. I'm a bit uneducated in the mental health field, so I just try to do what my friend needs, as and when she needs it. THANK YOU for being brave enough to share. And those cakes....My daughter has just seen the Chocolate love hearts and has demanded the very same for her 6th birthday! I live in hope of having the talent to make them! God Bless.

Posted by FionaAUS on 07/07/2010

Hi Marian
I love reading your books. They always bring a smile to my face. I hope a smile returns to your face soon. And that you can again write another master piece!!
Lots of Love
Nicole

Posted by Nicole_marie on 05/07/2010

Good look Marian on your road to recovery! I've been there (and sort of still am) myself and I know how dark life can seem. But just remember how much you are loved by countless people! You can persevere, just work towards each new day.

Posted by Buttersbee on 03/07/2010

Dear Marian, U have in a way benn my brightest star in the sky, when i feelt very blue and disliked my own world so mutch, i picked up 1 off your books and went in a good place for a few hours. Andu made me laugh and smile! Be strong and keep shining coz u r a star!!!

Posted by mimmi on 29/06/2010

Dear Marian, so pleased to hear things might be looking up for you at last, and can i just say your cakes look lovely! As a devoted fan of every single one of your books I have just finished reading this charming man for the second time and was laughing out loud from the very first page. Lola has got to be your funniest character of all time, will you perhaps consider writing a book solely on her?! I guarantee it would be a big hit. I wish you and himself all the best, and hope to hear from you soon!

Posted by hattie12 on 25/06/2010

Hi Marian,
I am so glad to hear from you again. Sorry you are feeling crappy. Depression sucks! I have struggled on and off with depression of the sort you describe for YEARS. I would always curse the fact that I didn't have the sleepy depression where you were compelled to stay in bed and sleep all the time. Instead, I had terrible insomnia, racing thoughts, anxiety, shaking-- the works! Uggghhh!
I've been on Zoloft (sertraline) for the past couple of years and this has worked very well for me. I hate to tell you this, because I think you feel the same way that I do about exercise, but it really, really works. I hate to exercise, but taking my daily walks with my dog has really made a difference in my mental health. Not sure if you attend meetings, but I've also found these to be a good source of positive energy and support. Be well and know that there are many of us (from all over the world!) cheering you on. Your writings have touched me deeply. I was just reading "The Pissed..." from Under the Duvet the other day, and it really helped me pull through a rough patch. I hope my few words here can provide you with the same sense of hope that you've given me for so many years!
*hugs* - Robin

Posted by rlindemann on 24/06/2010

Hello Marian,
When I get depressed and the cloud refuses to yield I read your books because I know no matter what it will bring a smile to my face. your books are the one solace I have as the understanding I seek for my state of feelings is right there and now I know why.
I am sure you must have been bombarded with well intentioned and well meant suggestions on how to cope with your dark feelings. I could, as a Psychologist offer you hundreds of ways but you already know them. All I know is that the feeling just doesn't go away because you want it to. Although compelled by habit, one suggestion, I dont see why you have to feel guilty about your depression. You have as much right to it as anybody else; despite or rather inspite of your success, friends, etc.
I hope and pray you feel better soon and well enough to write.

Posted by Kritika on 24/06/2010

Take care Marian.

Posted by Msjoey on 23/06/2010

Hi Marian,
I adore your writing and reading your books always brings a smile to my face. I have many happy hours reading, often distracting me when I am having a down day. I hope that soon the smile returns to your face, as you have bought a smile to so many others.
Love Nicole

Posted by Nicole_marie on 23/06/2010

so nice to hear your voice again.
I hope you continue to be gentle with yourself and take baby steps and take all the time you need to recover.
I'm into mini cupcakes right now - since my sister bought my daughter a little display stand - makes them look so fantastic - like afternoon tea at grans.
Much love
Carolx

Posted by carolm on 23/06/2010

OMG thank you for sharing! You're a tortured genius! Thank you for the writing! And let me say thank you again for sharing. As a high profile person you can help so many. Kia kaha sister, be strong.

Posted by katiedep on 23/06/2010

Olá, Marian!
I'm from Brazil, and I just wanted to let you know not that you are a great writer (you already know that) but that you helped me so much with Rachel Holidays. I've been depressed because of an abusive relationship and now I'm "clean"! :)
I wish I could retribute 1% back.
Anyways, don't think you have to be ok. You don't "have to" anything! Just feel free to be yourself, to be Marian, in order to find out whats really going on inside yourself. You are a great human being just for being so sensitive and open.
Anyways, i'll ask you to check your thyreoyd. It was the one thing that got me off the antidepressants.
Part of my depression was organic, the thyreoyd, but the other part: the unknow, black part is still a mistery that I've learned to live with.
Plus, you have a PINK CAR! haha! Thats my dream! I'm a sucker for pink. haha
Marian, you are loved. Not only by your friends, but even in Brazil!!!
I apologize for my English and hope you got it from my heart!
Beijos!!! Stay well! Fique com Deus!

Mari

Posted by marianellaparis on 22/06/2010

Running or jogging after the first twenty minutes releases those "happy hormones" into the bloodstream & makes the brain feel happier right then & there...have been dabbling with this myself lately & it does work...I now a woman who runs 6km every other day & she reckons it is the only way to stay sane...try run a bit walk abit til you can keep going steady at the running....I love that you're hanging in there by your toenails...you are such an inspiration for all who suffer the horrors. Love from Canada ;-)

Posted by Mary Bernadette Southall Fitzgerald on 19/06/2010

Dear Marian,
I just wanted to write and say that after reading your update from May, I know how you feel. I always roar laughing whenever people usually say that, but in this instant it's true.

I was signed off work for four months with "severe depression." That was the medical term, and while I agreed that I was feeling so miserable, it didn't really seem to sum up what was wrong with me.
See, I was constantly anxious, crying over the slightest things and unable to sit still, always feeling like I should be doing something and then feeling outrageously guilty that all I'd achieved in four hours was putting on the kettle.
I was terrified of being alone, terrified of being stuck with the horrific things in my head, but whenever I had company I couldn't think of anything to say. In fact, sometimes, it was only hours after they'd left that I registered they'd been there at all.

So many people seemed to think, to be depressed, I had to be flat on my back with a pillow over my face, but whilst I certainly felt like giving up, like everyday was a battle that I didn't even care about winning, the worst part for me was the constant need to keep busy.
Usually, reading and writing took up huge parts of my time, but all I could manage to do was watch TV. I watched an entire series of Scrubs and I still couldn't tell you what happened in any of the episodes I sat through.
I know what it's like to count the minutes, desperate for the time when it was acceptable to go to sleep. Even before I closed my eyes I was dreading the morning, knowing I'd have to get up and live my life, feeling guilty that I didn't want to, terrified because I had to.
So, basically, reading what you wrote really hit home for me.
I'm only twenty, which was another reason people scoffed at my depression, but it is a hideous illness that, once it grabs you, is near impossible to shake off.
I heard so many people talking about me like I wasn't there, wondering why I'd any right to be depressed at such a young age, but I know now that people who haven't suffered from depression will never understand it.
I could say a thousand more things about how I felt, but the biggest lesson I've learned is never to dwell on it, and to think only about each day as you live it.
That it what I'm trying hard to do.

I think you're an inspiration. The first book of yours I ever read was Sushi for Beginners.
I've always loved books, more than films (but only slightly) and even more than biscuits.
I fell in love with it, and - after bashing my way into Waterstones and demanding to see their stock list - I have never looked back.
You are the reason that I am a writer, and I'm sure the inspiration behind a million and one others in the world.

I'm sure you must get letters like this every day, and I hope that you do. I hope you know how many people love you, and are wishing you well.
Rachel.

Posted by RaeFaerie on 19/06/2010

Dear Marian
I have a 3 legged cat in the kitchen who just peed on my table, my dog has caused me £££ at the vets,i just wrote a chq to the tax man and i have nothing in the bank BUT I know today will pass and soon it will become tomorrow, am glad you r coming around.....your cakes look smashing....I'd love one now with a cup of tea......let me go make one. keep safe
Peace & Hope

Posted by keire on 18/06/2010

Hi Marian,

I just wanted to say how brave I think you are. You have obviously been in absolute hell, yet you have not stopped trying new things in an effort to improve your state of mind. I have suffered from anxiety and depression on and off for the past 6 years and I know how hard it can be to get motivated just to get out of bed, let alone the variety of things you have been doing. And they all sound like such positive, pure and happy things that I want to do them even when I'm not depressed. Baking cakes, driving pink cars and playing with babies sounds like what every day should be like if you can do it (Im definately gonna try the baking thing! But dont know any babies or pink cars to hang out with unfortunately!). My flatmate told me once when I was going through a serious wave of anxiety and didnt feel that I could do my job or anything at all, she told me that you have to try to 'fake it until you make it'. That actually helped me a lot, so when I felt that I wasnt really present in my body I managed to put on a smile and hold out an exterior that got me through and allowed my mind wander as and when it needed to until I got back on track.

I love you and your books so much. I have read them all and continuously re-read them because they make me feel safe and happy - like an old friend. Please hysng in there and please dont leave us bc you are so so so special and even when it doesnt feel like it, never forget that there are so many people that love you and have been touched by your writing. Also, there are so many people that understand what you are going through, so you are never alone.

Hang in there and be nice to yourself for all of us.
Lots of Love,
Anna. xxxooo

SP. My Mum and 2 sisters all adore your books, and we often identify with the Walsh family. We are all dying to know if you are planning to do a story told by 'Helen' (obviously when you are feeling better), is this in the pipeline? She is absolutely hilarious! xx

Posted by AB on 18/06/2010

I am sooo pleased you are starting to come out of this fug! I dicovered you when i was 8mths pregnant in 1998 when i devoured Watermelon and i am now the proud owner of your back catalogue, You have been in my thoughts and i am very happy for you that some sense of normality is coming back to you

Posted by Rio on 15/06/2010

Welcome back, Marian!
Besos,
Catalina

Posted by Catalina on 15/06/2010

Your a star x x x

Posted by hurnah1 on 14/06/2010

Ahhh Haaaaa - the cake rescue method. It works wonders for the head, tastes delicious; and if you make carrot you can convince yourself you are finally getting something good inside you as part of your five a day as well.
In seriousness though - writing this probably took it out of you; but look how much you wrote! You have come a long long way since January, it may not feel like it, but you have. Just do baby steps, and cut yourself a great deal of slack. Hang in there - and no matter what - you have this team of t'internet weirdos who are all rooting you on. (that's us by the way).
From all of these messages you can see love, empathy and just all of everyone's best wishes for you and himself.
So sit down in front of Come Dine With Me...have some cake and a cuppa and we will all be here when you are ready.
much love to you both
Mel xxxx

Posted by MrsElsieE on 14/06/2010

Hi Marian, I wanted to write a wee note to say hello.

I devour your books when they come out because no other author that I have ever read is able to capture people in the same way that you do.

Your writing makes me wet myself laughing one minute, then I'm balling crying the next. It is incredibly perceptive and you keep me on the absolute edge of my seat.

Besides writing female characters that are totlly 3 dimensional and recognizable, your male characters are second to none. I've never read a book where I've had an actual crush on a fictional character but when I read Rachel's Holiday I fell head over heels in lust/love with Luke and for him I would like to buy you several pints! I now have a thing for men in leather trousers; I never thought I'd see the day where I was attracted to a 'real man'!

I am half way through The Brightest Star in The Sky and am utterly hooked, not to mention intrigued! I could go on for hours about any one of your books. I wish I could have wrote my dissertation on one them - I'd have cleaned up!

I wanted to let you know how truly sorry I am to hear how awful you are feeling. If anyone does say 'what does she know about depression', it is testament to their sheer ignorance.

I think that you are fantastic and an absolute inspiration. The way that you have described how you are feeling in his blog will help people in similar cicumstances feel that they are not alone. I have had similar problems so I want to say thank you for being so open about it.

As you mentioned in your January blog, people can be really dismissive about depression so having someone describe it in such a candid, intellegent, astute, funny way really gives hope to people in a similar boat.

I really hope that you feel better soon. You have given me so much joy and sore bellies from laughing so hard. Also, your books have given me a huge lift when I've been in the horrors.

If anyone deserves happiness Marian, it's you. There's a hell of a lot of people who think the absolute world of you (and that's just us fans who don't even know you like your friends and family).

Emily x x x
PS - as well as episodes of Come Dine With Me - have a watch of the film Amelie for a wee lift - it's just fantastic!

Posted by hurnah1 on 14/06/2010

Hi, Marian! Am so very glad you're back!

I know the impossible condition you were in as I have been there myself.

At one point in my early twenties - been a decade since then - that I was hit by insomnia. I didn't sleep for 14 days! But function well. Just not feeling great.

I discovered that what helped me beat depression every.time. is to go out and get in touch with people. STRANGERS with no strings attached. I suspect this works because my personality is a Sanguine (ref: Florence Litteur).

That, and charity - as in direct contact, hands on with charity (either it was help with the disable, reading to a child) - I found these things helped.

It has been almost a decade when I last had my bout of depression. It started when I was 12 thereabouts.

These days, if something upsets me threatening to hurl me to Depression Street, all I need to do is go out, talk to strangers. - not about my problems, just about anything under the sky. Small talk.

Like with a cashier at some pharmacy, the kid at the movie ticket counter, anyone with no strings attached. The nice lady at the toll gate - "Have you had lunch?" and I always end up with, "Have a great day today." everytime.

When my mind hears this as I say it, it becomes a strong suggestion and I find myself having a better day than the one I started out with.

I don't presume to understand what you go through or that the same thing will help. Or, much less that I'm an expert on the subject of depression, but mostly I am sharing something I went through personally.

Something so horrible that I honestly don't wish it even on my worse enemy.

Life is already hard at times. There's no need for bleakness to be there as well.

Well, I hope you're better and will stay better. So many people loves you.

PLUS, you know you create a phenomenon with your stories. Very real, very different, and most of all, the smartest chick lit I know.

Stieg Larsson didn't have the same luck. He didn't even know he could write crime thriller well.

But he did.

And before I steer even further,.. God Bless, Marian and may you be restored to your cheery, funny goodself for good!

Have a great day ahead!

Posted by RealitySlams on 14/06/2010

Dear Marian, I cannot express my gratitude strongly enough in relation to your courage and strength. I am a "normal" person but have also suffered two major depressive episodes. I have no magic answer or suggestions but as you are doing hang in there - there is an end to this and you will become yourself again. I have always admired your writing but this now does not compare to my admiration of your strength and courage. There are many out there behind you. Take care and love yourself, Christine xxxxx p.s. I also submerged myself in baking - there must be something medicinal in the process....

Posted by ChristineMc on 13/06/2010

Dear Marian,

I'm so glad you're on the mend.

I can't get on with modern fiction so don't know your books, but I love your columns and articles and have so missed your newsletter.

I have PTSD so I know a little of what you've suffered, especially that crazy agitation that makes you to want to chop off your head becuase it's the only way to stop the chatter of your mind.

Well, it seems we both still have our heads, and we must keep them. Here's to you my love xx

Posted by pippa on 12/06/2010

Oh Marian - I beg to differ! You CAN write again. Hurrah! This newsletter is an amazing piece of writing. Honest, compelling and emotive. I was so thrilled to read your words again.

I am SO glad you are seeing some light in your days again, and I just hope things continue to improve for you each day.

Thank you so much for sharing this improvement with us all. I know I am one of millions who have been thinking of you these past months. You are very kind to have included us in your journey, and what is hopefully, your recovery.

All the best Marian, you are greatly loved.

xx

Posted by MellyJane on 12/06/2010

Hi Marian

I along with many others on here are so glad that you're back and are making progress. I guess I just wanted to let you know that as I have often thought about how you were.

Himself obviously loves you very much and I'm glad you have him there to support you. You can't beat the love of a good man! :o)

I also find cooking therapeutic although my daughter is the cupcake/baking fan, I tend more towards savoury but find that I smile whilst doing it. I think it's more about the pleasure I get from feeding others and watching them enjoy it.

I miss your ramblings )and I say that in the nicest way, as I too have a tendency to ramble) and I can hear your voice as I read your writing and it always makes me laugh.

I hope you continue to recover and manage to keep the black clouds at bay once more. I'm sure that BB will keep you occupied at least for the next few months, and I look forward to a possible appearance on BBLB

sending happy thoughts - Sarah xxx

Posted by sarahafrost on 12/06/2010

Well Done Marian! It's great to hear that you're feeling better. Since you wrote about depression back in January I've been thinking about how you've been and I've even said a prayer!Your words were very inspirational too which will surely help others who are in a dark place. I only hope now that things can get better! Your cakes looks great by the way! Keep up the good work!

xxxx

Posted by M on 12/06/2010

Hi Marian, Im so happy to hear from you again !
I been thinking about you from time to time during these months and hoped that you would get well again soon. I been missing your newsletter.

Hope to hear from you soon again!
/ Love from Jenny in Sweden
XXX

Posted by Crashrw on 11/06/2010

Marian, you can add baking gorgeous-looking cakes to your skills list. Something to fall back on if you forget how to write, which of course you won't because you're brilliant. We all love you.

Posted by JanelleC on 11/06/2010

Thank you so much for writing this. I am currently coming out of a really dark month, full of anxiety. All I've been able to do is watch tv shows and distract myself from my anguish and I totally identified with every single thing that you wrote. Except I can't stand baking - though I have noticed in the past that I tend to start cooking a lot before an episode, almost as if I know what is coming and I do whatever I can to stop it from happening.

I really appreciate you sharing your experience, it helps me feel less alone as besides my mother, I am the only one I know suffering such extensive anxiety and depression problems. As much as I feel terribly that other people have to suffer through this too, it's comforting to know I am not alone and that there is always hope, that it does inevitably improve.

I saw my doctor on Monday and have just started meds and already feel more hopeful. I've had anxiety problems my entire life, but never this severe, so fingers crossed that my new meds plus counselling will set me back on track.

Until then, I'll keep up with my gratitude journals and meditation and supplements ... and sweet, sweet tv show box sets.

xx

Posted by tee on 11/06/2010

Hi Marian ! Im so happy that your feeling a bit better now ! I been thinking about you from time to time during these months and I been missing your newsletters a lot! Your cakes look really yummy.
Hope to hear from you soon again!
With love from Jenny in Sweden XXX

Posted by Crashrw on 10/06/2010

Welcome back Marian. I have never suffered with depression and I have never really understood it either. I have heard people describe it as having "black dogs" around constantly but as I say I have never suffered with it. I am just glad that you are back on the upward slope.

Lynsey xx

P.s Come Dine With ME rocks! Try having your own come dine with me, I would totally recommend it!

xx

Posted by Lynseyh777 on 10/06/2010

Hi Mary, you may not remember me but I was the only male on the creative writing course last year at Harvey’s point. I learnt so much from your talks there and loved meeting you.
I too have suffered from terrible depression after food poisoning attacked my body and stopped me from doing my job as a professional squash player. I have not been able to get on the court and play since. It is eating me up. What helped me were several things. Putting on funny videos on the tv to get me to laugh. The biggest thing was a piece of advice from a depression specialist. He told me to get a piece of paper and write down all the things that I was worried about or I thought made me depressed. Then get another piece of paper and write down in what ways I could improve or get rid of each problem. Then he told me to throw the first piece away and the second paper was a list of things to do. That way even if things are on top of you then you constantly have actions to try and improve them. As you are a bundle of energy this may actually help to some extent. I hope so. Since being on the course with you I have nearly finished my fourth book. First is published but having trouble getting an agent at the moment for the others. Would love to send you the first book if you get round to start reading again. Very light reading and hopefully has a feel-good air to it.
Please get better soon. We miss your books.

Posted by squasher on 10/06/2010

Hi Marian, I have two WONDERFUL IDEAS for you to try.

1. Deep Inner Work. (psycotherapy-YES! Plus some of the following...) By this I mean Re-evaluation co-counselling, rebirthing, group work or NuroLinguistic Programming. I have found working on a deep level to shift core hurts absolutely vital to a life with much less pain!!

2. Cold Showers. You may think I am a nut-but look up the benefits on the net! Only 3 of them for 20 seconds each , each day. Make sure the water hits the back of your neck and your forehead. It clears negative energy and helps your stuck energy flow.

I feel for you beautiful one. remember you are beloved of us and of the Universe-it's time to delve deeper to heal so that you don't have to carry this stuff onto your next life. The gatherings "The Joining" and "Being Woman" in Australia have a lot of people there who can help with deep core issues(as I am sure there are in your world too).

It also sounds like you are already doing your darndest to heal-good on you... keep at it .

Best of luck. Love Shannon.

Posted by shanisun on 10/06/2010

So glad to hear you are breaking ground on brighter days. Having experienced depression for most of my life off and on I must say Our spirits are kindred. BUT! I have all but eradicated the black fog through LOTS of hard work.Some of your suggestions were methods I used. I noticed it seems to be a maintenance thing.When I feel "it" coming on even in the slightest, I take action. (I watch my diet, take my vitamins(extra B12 for metabolism and nerve support and D for body aches)I avoid ALL toxic people and the nightly news . I treat myself like a queen, take myself to lunch, buy new shoes. anyway I've managed to NOT fall in the hole for 3 years now. Here's what I wondered about your episodes...Do they seem to coincide with the completion of your novels? Could it be sort of like a post partum depression? Here you've worked so hard on this piece and suddenly it's out there.It's no longer inside of you. Anxiety sets in, fear, despair,(will they like it? will it flop?) I just thought that might be a clue for you. Nonetheless I'm SO very glad you are crawling out of the pit and I hope you never have to visit there again. Luv and hugs from sunny florida!

Posted by Skysmiles on 09/06/2010

Dear Marian,
My heart goes out to you!
I commend you for talking so honestly about your depression. It is time we broke the taboo which just makes it harder for people who suffer from this illness. I am a big fan of your books. I loved Rachel's Holiday and really related to what you wrote about your drinking in Under the Duvet.

I have suffered from Anxiety and Depression for the past 3 years. Some words which might help - "Never Ever Ever Give Up!" Winston Churchill. From my 0wn experience I would advise you:
1. To avoid the use of tranquillizers.
2. Not to have ECT.
It sounds like you're on the up and up. Keep up the fight!
Lots of Love,
Clare xxx

Posted by Clare B on 09/06/2010

Hi Marian,

I have been to some very dark places and they always inspire a poem. I will be 16 years sober this month and have ended up in a looney bin twice in sobriety. The "Perth Clinic" is my local looney bin and it is like a 5 star hotel (google it!) It is such a great place to be when I am in such a dark place - full on help 24/7! When the panic and anxiety stops me from sleeping, my psychiatrist gives me a second anti depressant in the evening called Avanza. That means I get a good sleep as Avanza has a sleeping quality and it definitely not a sleeping tablet. I am fortunate that my psychiatrist specialises in alcholics so I am in good hands. I have been so well and peaceful for the last 5 years; a day at a time. If I get in a dark place again, I'll be checking straight into the Perth Clinic! Here are a couple of my poems. Lots of love, Siobhan

INSIDE MY HEAD

It can be dark and bleak inside my head
Sometimes triggered by something someone said
Or sometimes it’s just the way I open my eyes
Seems to awaken the monster that never dies!

When I realize that the negativity is here
I know for sure that I’m not “all there”
No one told me life was going to be so hard
The illusion of constant happiness is marred!

My brain can feed on memories of the past
Which makes the hurt and pain really last
Isn’t life meant to be easier and more fun than this?
Is it just me who wants to have continual bliss?

How can I make these difficult feelings cease
This is the time it’s hard to keep my peace!
First things first, get down on my knees & pray
It’s no big deal, it’s just life, and all is OK!

I need to have sorrow to experience joy
It’s about being human, not given to annoy!
Accept that everything is as it’s meant to be
This is the time when there is the most to see.

Remember, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad
All feelings are treasures, none are bad
Just let it go, take action and do something nice today
Meditation, AA meetings & exercise will keep it at bay

I need to embrace the experience as a gift
Ironically in doing that, it will start to shift.
Sadness & tears are fine once in a while
Yet I like it best when I look in the mirror & see a smile

PANIC ZONE

I woke up! Horror, I was back in that panic zone
So bloody scary, I felt trapped and so very alone
I was far away in that dark past
When I thought the turmoil would always last.

They didn’t know my spirit was crying
They didn’t know my soul was dying
I just wanted to crawl up in a ball
As into that awful place I could feel myself fall

Why could I still feel this way?
Why do I think it’s not the right thing to say?
It’s like a black tornado inside my head
Nowhere to hide, not even in my bed.

I work so hard to make it go away
Yet its continues to terrify me day after day
I’m worn out and feel full of despair
It continues to rage on, it just doesn’t care.

I wake up, the storm has abated
It’s damage done, now it’s sated.
I’m open now for destructive beliefs to release
Acceptance is the way to find my peace

I look around with joy that I’m still here
There’s really nothing for me to fear
My higher power nestles safely in my heart
How lucky am I to have yet another start!

Posted by SHIVVY on 09/06/2010

hope your feeling better, those cakes look yummy! Depression affects everyone differently, hopefully you find what works best for you soon.
xoxo

Posted by lmpjcarey on 08/06/2010

My dear Marian,
Thankyou for putting into words, the feelings people who suffer from depression have to endure. My lovely daughter sent your newsletter to my wife (both avid readers of yours), then to me. I have suffered for over a year now and I read it through my tears. On my third lot of meds and just finished CBT.
I tell all my friends and family to read your newsletter and it helps them to understand our problems. Thanks again and again.
Phil

Posted by paspey on 08/06/2010

Hi Marian, I'm writing from India. I got to know about you from Jill Mansell's site (I'm a big fan of her) and when I read that she likes your books so much I felt that I must read your work too. I have ordered 'This charming man'.
After reading this newsletter I'm very impressed by your strength as I feel depressed too sometimes.You are a wonderful lady and am looking forward to read your book :)
God bless you...
Love
Pragya xxx

Posted by Goel on 08/06/2010

Thanks for putting all this into words. I did the baking too, but also was eating it all:)
Then I found sewing and it's my therapy. I sew for all the little people in my life. There have even been times when immersed in cuting out a new pattern that I felt my brain switch off and it was like just for those few minutes I could breathe again.
Thanks again for your bravery.
A. sewmentalmama.blogspot.com

Posted by sewmentalmama on 07/06/2010

Hi Marion,

You have no idea how delighted I was to finally hear from you, like so many I have thought of you often and prayed you were surviving the horrors, such a dreadful illness that I am fortunate enough to never have encountered but can imagine it must be so the most difficult thing to overcome - no plaster to fix it. Please know your news has made me howl with laughter in the past and I look forward for your sake to the day it does again - there are definate glimmers in the above - god bless himself and the fact you have him
Jo
x

Posted by Jo Jardine on 07/06/2010

Thinking of you xx

Posted by Debsmcvb on 07/06/2010

Hi Marian! Those cakes look delicious :-) Very nice to see you got better, very good news!!! Just like to say: go on!!! You feel better now you will be ok tomorrow. And in my opinion, apart from your readers love (including mine), Himself's and yours was there all the time, supporting both. All the happiness for you and Himself for long, long time.

Besos

Posted by tatiana on 07/06/2010

Dear Marian,
here´s wishing you all the best. May you feel better and better each day. I have loved your books for many years now. You are truly one of my favourite writers! Greetings from Germany!

Posted by Sundaygirl on 07/06/2010

Marian, you are an inspiration and a true star. Your books have gotten me through the darkest of days, depression and anorexia have plagued me all my adult life and if it weren't for the Walsh sisters I would not have smiled at all. Rachel's Holiday provides the safest of havens for me to crawl into. So glad you're feeling better, you are amazing xx

Posted by offalyrose on 07/06/2010

Marian, I just wanted to say how brave you are for talking about this openly with us all. And you should NEVER feel guilty about the way you feel because of the life you lead. It is not something you choose to feel.
I think I suffered with post-natal depression last year but I was too afraid to go to the doctor. I stayed away from all of my friends except for a select few. On the other side of it now I can admit it to myself but at the time I tried to push it away and get through each hour, each minute. I felt terrible because I had nothing to be depressed about - I had a beautiful baby girl, a loving husband, a roof over my head, a job to return to...
I write as well and you have been great inspiration to me as an author. I always look forward to your books and will continue to do so. The writing will come back in time and it sounds like you're doing a lot to help yourself. As always you are inspirational. Keep going x PS I'm most impressed by your baking skills! Yum!

Posted by GemEsp on 07/06/2010

Hi Marian,
I'm really pleased you're on your way back out of the dark :) Love the pics!
I admire your bravery for speaking out about your battles with depression. You have helped so many people, including myself, just by speaking about them so publicly. So from my heart a HUGE thank you x x x
I will keep hoping you are getting better and better x

Posted by gem on 07/06/2010

Dear Marian,
i am soooo sorry to hear all that! It's so hard when you go down that far, you wonder if you'll ever be able to climb back up, but inevitably you will because you must... Eventually the darkness will become just a whisper and then one day only visit you occasionally in dreams... Perhaps like me this experience is here to teach you something of yourself, perhaps you have been thrown into 'the moment' to show you something of the beauty to be found in the stillness~es... And perhaps terror makes visits to teach us how not to fear anymore... Maybe you and i and many others who find themselves in a similar place may very well one day realize that we have been given a gift far more precious than we can truly understand right now... But maybe one day soon it might just very well be *You* (for i believe we are chosen for the gifts we have to share) who will find the right words again to reach out to other aching hearts to help them through their dark nights of the soul. Luv to you xox

Posted by Nolly on 07/06/2010

Dear Marian,
I just wanted to say that I wish you all the best and that I am glad you´re starting to feel a little better. Thank you for being so open and honest. I have loved your wonderful novels for many years and I can honestly say you´re one of my favourite writers. (And I do read your books in English!:) Please get well soon!
Greetings from Germany!

Posted by Sundaygirl on 07/06/2010

Ah Marian, thank fuck you're back. We've been so worried about you. I've been checking your website for an update every week, and hoping hoping hoping that you would be feeling better. I will be praying that your upward trajectory continues.

Please don’t feel that you have to justify how you feel in comparison with other people in dire circumstances – you have a terrible illness that is not of your creation – no-one reading your update would be left in any doubt about that. And don’t worry about not being able to write, we will wait for you, for as long as it takes. Just keep on swimming.

All my love xx

Posted by RunLyraRun on 07/06/2010

Dear Marian,
I too am in that horrible, black and lost place and your very act of so honestly sharing is a true inspiration. Thank you for helping me to remember to share. And for the understanding that, even when it feels you can't possibly hang on, not to be afraid. We all hang on to each other.

Thank you so much.
Like eveyone else here, I'm hanging on to you Marian (and not just to get at those delicious-looking cakes!):D XXXXX

Posted by Squilla on 07/06/2010

Fan-bloody-tastic, Marian. Have kept checking (not in an obsessive way, I hope :-) the website, just in case you had written something and somehow no-one had sent an email to tell me, so I was really happy to see the mail today. Love the cakes, love those cute cars, just so glad you're feeling a bit better. The bad time sounds truly hideous. Can't tell you how cheered I am that you're feeling a bit better xxxx

Posted by helennw3 on 06/06/2010

Marian - welcome back. You are surrounded by love from your family and your fans. If it all gets too dark PLEASE contact ANY of us at ANY time and we will try and help. Don't bottle it up and please don't let it all get too much for you luvvie. x

Posted by Nickee on 06/06/2010

You poor old fecker, you have had an awful time of it. I completely identify with all the feelings you described around your depression...been there done that...but not for near as long as you. You are a mighty woman to have gotten this far and I know deep inside of you that there is a tiny star shining called SURVIVAL because otherwise you wouldnt be here when it got as bad as you described. Our heads are just lethal and very hard to ignore when the s**t floods in and triggers the bad feelings and I just wanted to let you know you are not on your own. Please God, you are on the way up and I will keep you in my prayers and you are like myself...mad for the baking...I just love it. Take care hun. xxxxxxxxx

Posted by ellenmartin on 06/06/2010

Hi Marian :)
It's so great to hear that you are getting better :) and that things are looking up :)
Your cakes look amazing, you surely are an amazing cook :)
We were wondering if you have heard about Darren and Lilia's Tour of Latin Fever, it's going round the UK and so is the Strictly Come Dancing Pro Tour, we are sure you would be more than welcome to attend and it could possibly make you feel a bit happier about life :) You never know! :) All those sequins and glitter!
A pink car is most certainly the way forward <3
Please hang in there and keep going :) It's a blessing that you are still here and are getting better <3
Best wishes and lots of love,
Rosie and Julia xxx

Posted by ro_ju93 on 06/06/2010

welcome back,

Posted by ann snow white on 06/06/2010

Hi Marian.

I know depression it's difficult overcome, but I think you are an amazing woman with a great willpower, and you will achieve it!

I'm reading now Rachel's Holiday and with each word I read I think "I wish I would write like Marian" :)

Well, maybe another terapy can be a travel to Spain, sun it's a good antidepressant.

I hope you get over so soon! and sorry if my english it's not totally right.

Kisses of an 'amiga' in Spain.

Lucia

Posted by Lucia on 06/06/2010

Glad your starting to claw your way back. Know exactly what it feels like; been on anti-ds or anti-anxiety pills on and off last 20 years since I was 18. You really don't have any control over your thoughts or feelings, so don't think you are being selfish. When you're in the pit, you don't need another big, jaggy stick to beat yourself with! I've been thoroughly therapped in loads of different ways, tried loads of different meds and I still get episodes. At the moment, I'm trying to think of my depressive episodes as something akin to getting an unavoidable visit from my least favourite relative; an excercise in superhuman endurance! Congratulations in getting through this episode intact. All the best xxx

Posted by spacemonkey on 06/06/2010

So happy to see you're back Marian! I hope you get better soon, you don´t have to feel any presion about writing, just get recovered and remember you´re the best and lots of people love you!!

Posted by victo on 06/06/2010

HI Marian, so good to hear from you and glad you're feeling a bit better. Depression is a terrible terrible illness and I dont think anyone can understand exactly how you are feeling. It does sound like you have fantactic friends and family and of course 'Himself'to help you through and I think the idea of baking in fantastic, I dabble a little a while ago with cupcakes, imagining myself opening a little cupcake shop here in Leeds (no such luck, my cakes were terrible) anyway during one of my 'down' times I took to scouring cupcake websites you can't believe all the accoutriments and decorations are out there for the professional cupcake baker.

Anyway enough of this idle chit chat just wanted to tell you how good it was to receive your newlestter and I hope you can go from strength to strength in getting back to some semblance of normality.

One last thing, I find that going to the gym and taking part in classes really helps my mood, some days I have to force myself to go as it would be so easy to stay at home but once I've been I can feel all the happy endorphine running through me - it's great. Any finally another good exercise for banishing 'bad thoughts' is to clear clutter from all your cupboards and streamline your home it really does help its like throwing away the clutter from your mind and help you see things clearly. But I bet you've heard all this before. Stay strong, we all love you

Take Care Janet x

Posted by mackerel on 06/06/2010

Hola Marian.
Me alegra de que estes ahi. No comprendo bien el Ingles pero entiendo por lo que estas pasando. Asi que mucho animo, sigue luchando por vivir. La depresion es como una enfermedad del alma y tu que sabes como alegrar la vida de los demas a traves de tus obras, encontraras la manera de hacerlo con la tuya.
Un beso y animo desde España

Posted by Beatriz on