October 2014 again
Hello there amigos! It’s me – again! I know! But this isn’t a newsletter as such, more of an information thing.
Right! On November 5th in Waterstones Piccadilly in London, at 6.30, I’ll be doing a reading, a chat, and a book signing. I will also bring some prize knobs to show you and I will wear my poncho. The event sold out fast (tanken yew SO MUCH, you’re lovely) and I’m very sorry for those who didn’t get tickets. BUT! If all goes well and I do not go mad-in-the-head again, I’ll be able to do more stuff and go on the road and see you all. But please bear with me.
On November 8th (a Sahardah) I will be in Eason’s Dundrum at 2pm, doing a SIGNING. Not a reading or a chat, just signing books. Of course, we will have time for a quick chat, but it won’t be me on a high stool telling stories and you sitting on chairs listening to me, if you get me.
However! I have thrilling news! (Well, it’s thrilling to me.) On December 2nd, I’ll be doing a thing in the Pavilion theatre Dun Laoghaire. Tickets here. And amigos, I’m so happy. It’s my local theatre and I’ve been there many times in the past few years to see other authors – the lovely Kate Mosse, the magnificent Joseph O’Connor, the wonderful Kate Atkinson, the hilarious Armistead Maupin, the wise Ruby Wax, the beloved Paul Howard aka Ross O’Carroll Kelly and I think (but can’t be certain, because my memory isn’t what it was) the delightful Alexander McCall Smith (I saw him somewhere, it could have been the Pavilion.)
And I’d be sitting there and enjoying the show, but there was always a bit of sadness in me because I’d have loved the opportunity to be on the stage and to meet all of you, but it couldn’t happen because of me being too mad-in-the-head and not able for the excitement/stress/having to talk.
But mercifully, I’m doing so much better than I was and I can’t tell you what it means that I’m well enough to do this. And it’ll be a GREAT night. I’ll read from my new book and then the most lovely person, Maria Dickenson – I love her, and you will too – will interview me. And then it’s over to you and you can ax me ANYTHING! And I mean ANYTHING!
Following the axing, we will have a GLITTERIN’ raffle! My beloved niece Ema (14) and beloved nephew Luka (13) will be there to make sure all your names are in the Salad Spinner of Happiness. I’d love the Redzers to be there, but it’ll be past their bedtime. Also the mammy will be there and you are very welcome to meet her and I axed her if one of the prizes in the GLITTERIN’ raffle could be to win one of her novenas, because her Novenas are POWERFUL STUFF - Novena-Max! And you’d be sure to get your intention. But when I ‘put it’ to her she visibly recoiled and straightened herself in her seat and her cheeks went a bit pink and she said, quite stiffly, “No Marian. Sorry, but no. That wouldn’t be right. That wouldn’t be respectful.” And I had a little think about it and said, “I suppose you’re right, mammy, I suppose you’re right.” Then she brightened a bit and sez, “How about I say a prayer for EVERYONE’S intentions?” And yes, I thought, that would be nice. Then… oh yes… then I could see the wheels in her head turning and she opened her mouth to speak and I thrust my palm at her and said, “No Mammy! No leading the entire audience in a decade of the rosary!”
“No mammy, not even if it’s one of the Glorious Mysteries.”
“How did you know I was going to suggest a Glorious Mystery?”
“Because I just do, mam. I am intuitive.”
Then she muttered some things under her breath and I’m sure they weren’t complimentary about me and we sat in huffy silence for approximately 3 minutes, 37 seconds, until she exclaimed, “I need you to buy something for me.” Then she was annoyed with herself for ‘breaking’ first, but see, because she doesn’t know how to work the interwebs, I have her over a barrel, when it comes to website purchases. So she produced some quare little booklet that had been put through her letter-box and points out a GANKY-looking press and sez, “Should I get this one? Or…” Then she thumbed a few (obviously very-well-perused) pages and pointed to an equally ganky-looking press, “Or this? Which one should I buy?”
“Neither of them, mammy,” sez I. “That’s which one you should buy.”
“Which? One?” And she went a bit steely, so I said, “Right, that one.” (I picked the first one, because really what difference could it make, they were both SHOCKEN.)
Then we were friends again and she said, “Will that man be there at your yoke? That man that you like?”
“I doubt it, Mam. Anyway, Tom has to work in the evenings, his show starts at 10pm.”
Another little silence followed, then mam said, all casual, like. “That husband of yours is a great man. A GREAT man. God was looking out for you when he sent Himself to you. The day you met Himself was the luckiest day of your life. You were STEEPED in good luck. STEEPED, I’m telling you. STEE -”
“Alright!” sez I. “I get the message! I LOVE Himself! He’s the only man for me, ever and the Tom Dunne thing, it’s only a bit of harmless fun, like looking at pictures of houses on sale in Killiney. Or Balenciaga coats in Brown Thomasez.”
“Grand,” she said. “Fine. Good.”
“Yeah!” I said. “That’s right. Fine! Good!”
“All the same,” she murmured, “I wouldn’t mind getting a look at him.”
“Well you won’t.”
Then the bus drew up outside, bringing Dad home from the day-centre and we had to go to attend to him and convince the poor divil that this was where he actually lived and that neither of us were his sisters, thereby bringing our tense little chat to an abrupt (but merciful) end.
I don’t know yet what the GLITTERIN’ prizes will actually be but if I’m sent any nice skincare or make-up in the next while, I’ll include it.
Also, there will be sweets and chocolate for all!
I will wear very nice shoes (I might even bring 2 pairs and change into the second pair half-way through, like we’re at the Oscars) and my new poncho and I’ll bring some of my best knobs for you to admire and some exhibits from the Nail Farnish Museum. Also, if I can fit it in the car, I’ll bring a little table that I’ve Beachhouse Banjoed™
There ‘may’ be music – I don’t know yet, I’ll have to talk to the Pavilion about it. But if it is, it will be Wham, Chic and Sister Sledge (but not, as @pauldunphy rightly pointed out, ‘Frankie’. ‘Frankie’ was a shocking song and it devalues the entire Sister Sledge oeuvre in my opinion.)
Please feel free to bring a knob of your own and if you have shoes you are proud of, be sure to wear them.
Finally, The Woman Who Stole My Life will be on sale and I’ll sign whatever you like. Hurray! I am SO EXCITED about it!
Thank you, all of you, who have been so patient with me, these past few unpleasant years and for sticking with me. I’m sorry that I’m only doing a few events this time round, but if the ship stays steady, I might be able to bigger and better ‘moving forward’. Except that I shouldn’t have used the phrase ‘moving forward’ and I am very sorry about it.
I hope wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, you’re feeling okay.
With big kisses and huge gratitude to you